UnNews:The world will end tomorrow
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The world will end tomorrow
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 1, 2016, 03:54:UTC)(
24 May 2007
WERE NOT GOING TO DIE 2MORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UnNews has it from a very reliable source that the "world will end tomorrow". We cannot, of course, reveal this source in line with our not-revealing-sources policy but we can assure you that he's very reliable. He's the kind of guy who, if he says he's going to "drown all you bastards if you don't cut out the crap" he will "drown the bastards who didn't cut the crap"(I'm paraphrasing, ok?). Even if it's going to result in all that unexplained incest stuff all over again. I mean, that may be sick, but it sure does show commitment to reliability. Yeah so this omnipotent reliable source dude was at a party last night, right? And there was some good stuff there too. Real good. I'm kinda surprised HE was there actually, I'm pretty sure HE frowns on that kinda stuff, doesn't he? Aww, heck, how'd you know, you don' know who he is. I'd forget me own.. um. Yes, well maybe he was in my head or summat, and he told me. Just like that. One minute I'm just a cool guy with a beer in one hand and a joint in the other and next I'm like this holy messenger dude, sent to tell everyone that the world's gonna end. And when I say holy I don't wanna imply where it came from. I mean anything from heaven's holy right? So it could just be from any good dead guy. There must be tons of 'em. Well, a few anyway. So I said to the guy next to me: "You know we're all gonna totally like die, and stuff tomorrow?" And he was like "yeah man" but I don't think he was really listening. So yeah well, then I had a shower and here I am. And it's totally like wicked. I mean I've got, what, 3 GCSEs? And now I'm writing for UnNews! Frickin' Awesom man. But yeah kind of hollow since we're all gonna die tomorrow. Like I said. Which was kinda the point of all this. Yeah. And you'd better believe me. Cos otherwise you're gonna die. Well, you will anyway, but it'll be like more of a disappointment. If you even know you're dying that is. Man, I don't know that and I'm like the angel dude; you guys are SCREWED! Maybe I should have just left you in blissful ignorance. Awww what the hell. Oh shit, someone's coming... Just go buy a paper bag OK?
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|