UnNews:The woman you are fucking passed away forty minutes ago

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12 December 2009

Papp

All those hours parked across from your house finally paid off.

Pahrump, Nevada -- Unbeknownst to you, the woman you are making love to suffered a cerebral hemmorhage and passed away approximately forty minutes ago.

Although anonymous sources confirm that she was never a particularly passionate lovemaker, these sources expressed surprise that you have failed to realize that she has shuffled off her mortal coil.

"Maybe his first clue should have been when he pulled out his laptop to read the news," opined anonymous source Dan Kwon. "I mean, when a girl is giving you that little feedback, you probably shouldn't be fucking her even if she were alive. Just my two cents."

Beyond the cultural implications of necrophilia, the act may have legal consequences, according to local attorney Hugo G. Vasquez.

"Interestingly, necrophilia is so rare in this state that it was only made a crime during the 2007 session of the Nevada legislature. When did the incident in question occur?" asked Vasquez.

"What the hell do you mean, 'right this very minute'?" continued Vasquez. "For Christ's sake, why the hell are you asking me for comment instead of, you know, calling this guy?"

We did attempt to reach you for comment, but you failed to answer your phone at the time this story went to press, possibly because you were busy pumping a recently-deceased woman full of cock.

Interestingly, despite having read this article to the very end, you are continuing to have intimate relations with a corpse. It is our earnest hope that you stop it immediately, you sick bastard.

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