UnNews:The time for presents is here!
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The time for presents is here!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 22, 2015, 12:12 (UTC)
20 December 2011
Christmas is just around the corner, and people all over the world are celebrating by getting their starving families things to really be thankful for, like toys and expensive boots.
"Yeah, I'm going all out this year," said a shopper at a local mall. "I've sold my comic book collection, my house, and my youngest daughter for this awesome John Lennon poster. My wife's gonna love me!"
Due to the economy, however, shopping for high-priced, disposable items can get increasingly difficult. Another patron at the mall gave us some of his smart ideas in regard to that.
"We plan to tell our child that there's no Santa Claus or Christmas. We'll save enough to buy ourselves some fancy coffee mugs, and if the kid cries hard enough, we won't even have to pay next month's water bill either! Genius, right?"
For those that don't have to worry about watching their spending, yachts and mansions have become the rage among the higher class, and gift wrap alone has taken in billions of dollars this month.
"I'm buying my dog the city park," said country music legend Spleen Sanchez. "Gives him plenty of space to run around and catch squirrels. Sure, the inner city kids won't have anywhere to loiter and giggle anymore, but I'm rich, so I don't give a fuck."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
Despite being the time for presents, a few more charitable people have expressed a desire to buy something for the greater good, expecting nothing in return.
"I'm planning to get my little sister an abortion," said a student at Uncycloversity. Though UnNews has no official belief in God, He'll be looking down upon that student with a smile.
Christmas is a time for giving and receiving, but mostly receiving. On our end. This is why UnNews urges all of you to send the crew a token of your gratitude (aka a sports car) for their tireless efforts to misinform, and as always, have a nice year.