UnNews:The lowdown on dog spit
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The lowdown on dog spit
We distort, you deride
Tuesday, May 31, 2016, 23:48:UTC)(
28 October 2013
Topeka, KANSAS - Here is what I know and now you'll know it too: Dog spit is too gross for man or beast. Did you ever see it just hanging there from their gaping mouths and flapping lips, dribbling down on the kitchen floor and making everything slick and gumlike in no time? Sometimes the spit foams after the dog runs awhile, chasing balls and squirrels and getting its various wolf juices all stirred up. Then it shakes its head back and forth every which way and the stuff goes all over my shirt and pants and looks like I've pleased myself wildly without regard for human convention.
This one time in the forest I saw a dog running and panting, with greasy looking spit hanging off its nose. Even I can't do that. I often try to get my mouth all watered up and then toss my head back real hard, but none of it ever gets as far as my nose. Dogs have a god given natural gift that way, like sword swallowers.
This one time I choked on dog spit. It was when I was drinking some off a neighbors dog. It just looked kind of interesting to me all of a sudden, and I started lapping at her mouth. Kind of like a french kiss, but I was all over up in her trying to catch it all. The dog spit tasted foamy and gooey, with some kind of aftertaste I don't even want to tell you about, and I started to choke. Then some of it got into my eye, so I wiped that on her fur like I do, and the salty taste of the spit was too gross even for me. But I manned up. I kept lapping. Then the bitch had enough of me drinking her glop and she suddenly sprang up and ran all around again, hardly noticing that I was throwing up, and by the time a few minutes of chasing and kicking balls had gotten her loaded up with spit again I was only able to take a few swipes at it before she was off yet again, tongue hanging out like a crazy person.
This is Johnny, your uncyclopedia reporter in Topeka, Kansas, reporting all about dog spit. For my next report I figure something about ants.
|This article features first-hand journalism by UnNews correspondent Johnny|