UnNews:The White House discovered to be off-white!
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The White House discovered to be off-white!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, April 30, 2016, 07:34:UTC)(
6 September 2007
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WASHINGTON, D.C.--A startling discovery was made today, as contractors hired to give the White House a fresh coat of paint inspected the building. They found that the color the White House is currently painted in is actually a subtle shade of off-white, instead of white, which the name "White House" typically implies. This oddity has caused an outbreak of campaigns to change anything from the color of the great house, to the name of the great house. One group even suggests that the White House be destroyed. "Burn the truth! Burn the TRUTH!!!", one supporter said. Currently there are several opinions on what needs to be done.
Many people feel that the White House should be repainted white. Actual white, not off-white. Most people feel this is the right thing to do, as the White House is traditionally thought of as being, well, white. Giving the White House a fresh coat of paint is also the popular opinion of KKK. "If the White House is not repainted white, it will not show white supremacy in the White House. That would be bad, especially with Barack Obama running for president.", says KKK activist Bobby-Joe Hicksby.
On the other side of the argument, however, is the NAACP. They agree the White House needs to repainted. This group, however, believes it should be painted black. "The White House really needs to be painted black, to represent all the races. (Awkward Pause) Especially the blacks.", says NAACP spokesperson Joe Brown. Of course, this would mean renaming it the "Black House". Says Richard Sleven, "The black house? Sounds like a porno I saw once."
Even a gay rights group wants in. "Painting the White House rainbow would be simply fab-u-lous!", states Lance Lovely. Regardless, most people feel the gay community has little chance of getting what they want. They believe Senator Craig pretty much ruined any chance the gays had.
Military experts want the house painted green and renamed "Just Some House" so that it blends in with the grass, making it more difficult for terrorists to crash a plane into, and much less tempting a target.
Others believe the White House's color should be left alone. "No one noticed it wasn't white before this, why not just keep the color the same?", some person said, "We could rename it the Off-White House. Now that has a nice ring to it!" But, many people feel renaming the house is not a viable option. How would you like to walk into a store in DC, looking for postcards of the "Off-White House", only to find cruddy White House cards? That wouldn't be very pleasant. Or if someone is asking directions to the "White House", and you give them directions to a white mansion owned by some rich snobs across town. THAT would suck! The future of the "White" House remains uncertain, but one thing is for sure. Despite what the gay community wants, it will not be painted rainbow. That would just be gay.