UnNews:The Stock Market Crashed
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The Stock Market Crashed
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, August 27, 2016, 05:32:UTC)(
21 June 2007
Just last week, the President of The United States issued a press statement to the affect of "The stock market will reach a record high, despite a lag in US imports and exports, everybody in the world hates our country, and the government's embezzeling of billions of dollars."
In a devastating turn of events, the Stock Market crashed today.
It crashed like a kid that ate nine bags of sugar after a 48 hour sugar rush.
The root of the problem has only recently been descovered to be a faulty Flasillitatory Oscillating Broasbaser. Experts at Wall Street have called Tech Support, and an expert is due to come out and troubleshoot the problem in two days. That means that nobody has been sent, and you will be charged $1,500 dollars anyways. There is no hope that the problem will ever be resolved. This is surely the permanent end of the Stock Market.
It is expected that this massive loss of income for the rich will surely deplete their bank accounts in a few days. As the rich and famous continue to buy $35,000,000 handbags and crash $645,000 cars hourly, their hired bankers and accountants will have no way of replinishing their million-dolar bank accounts and trust funds. Hundreds of celebrities are expected to bum off of their middle-class worshipers for the rest of their lives.
Never before has a single event changed the fate of our planet like this.
Meteorite that killed all the dinosaurs? Psshaw. Small change compared to the death of the aristocratic upperclass.
On the other side of the story, previously shunned and humiliated communists around the globe celebrate what they are calling 'The Event That Killed Social Class Structure.' There are rallys in the streets, parades of hammer and sickle weilding youth, and red doves released all over the world.
- Ness Dack "[Stocks USA Stock Market At All Time Low]". Hopium, June 20, 2007