UnNews:The Real Economic Problem Revealed
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
10 November 2008
North America, United States, Hobobroken, New Jersey
Greetings this is Captain Obvious reporting for UnNews on the real economic crisis the world is facing and not the propaganda bullshit from the mainstream media.
As you well know, I always state the obvious, it is my superpower. I am an Independent Centris Moderate and not some American liberal or Neocon who both are wrong on many issues by the way. As usual I am the voice of reason stating the obvious that both the left and right refuse to admit to or acknowledge.
Where do I start? Hmmmm, tough choice, I'll pick on the right first. We got governments like the USA run by Right-Wingers that cannot balance a budget even if they tried. They run the country like it is Enron and spend spend spend all of your hard earned tax payer dollars to lobbyists and special interest groups that contribute them campaign money (cough cough bribes, fraud, campaign reform,shills, sockpuppets). The Republicans have George W. Bush who is really the sockpuppet for Dick Cheney and Haliburton and big oil. There I said it, but while you loopy liberals cheer me and start to light up those lighters, the Liberal Democrats have control of Congress and they too spend spend spend on pork projects and are just as bad as the Neocon Republicans.
Speaking of which, American liberals are slaves to Hollywood, the MPAA, the RIAA, the Liberal media and any Internet crackpot with a blog about conspiracy theories like Peak Oil, Global Warming, New World Order that make the blog owners rich via advertising. Some of which that installs malware trojans on your computers and steals your passwords and credit cards by people in China, North Korea, and other shithole Communist countries, all the while causing readers of those conspiracy theories to freak out and do panic spending charging as much as $50,000 to credit cards and thus are unable to make house payments and car payments, but while they made their own financial decisions. This is all because the people who promote these hateful conspiracy theories want to see the US economy ruined, as part of their "revolution" of overthrowing the US government and replacing it with a leftist Communist one instead.
They blame, of course, Bush and the NWO for putting a gun to their head and telling them to charge every iTunes download they really don't need to their credit cards, buy some video games, toys, and cheap crap made in China, and then when the bullshit is stacked so high it collapses and falls on them, blame the Neocons. Let us not forget liberals with a drug habit, they smoke or snort away their house and car payments and help contribute money to terrorists to murder more people and take money out of their nation's economy.
Thanks to those liberals who use illegal drugs, 9/11 would have never happened if they didn't buy Osama's poppies and pot plants. Not to mention Hillary Clinton being a former lawyer of Wal-Mart made sure that those China trade deals got over that Bush veto because Democrats have over 60 seats in the senate to over-ride a veto and will outsource 1.2 million US jobs to China, India, Russia, and other nations who make cheap knockoffs of American products. Harry Reed and Nancy Pelosi also helped, in exchange for more lobbyist money.
Hey is it me, or do those Liberal Democrats who say they are for the poor and working class always making millions of dollars each year as a Senator or Congressperson from lobbyists and special interest groups by giving bullshit speeches in the Middle-East about how bad the USA is, and taking money from special interest groups and lobbyists from the Middle-East? That's right, the Liberals work for companies owned by the Saudi Royal Family who owns Kingdom Holdings, Osama bin Laden's relatives and they control Apple, Disney, and big oil and are buying up US stock as our economy collapses due to all of the above. The Liberal Democrats, like the Clintons, earned over $150 Million dollars that way, oh but I must also point out that they got special deals on Dotcom stocks and sold before the Dotcoms went bust. Just ask Comic Book Fans and Stan Lee on that, as Hillary screwed their Dotcom comic book company. Stan Lee is like a father to me, and was going to publish Captain Obvious comic books before Bill and Hillary did backstab him and Peter Paul and take off with millions for the Clintons.
Liberal Democrats also passed that housing bill, you know the one. Equal rights for stupid people to get mortgages as well and Dubya signed off on it as well. Stupid people that make $15,000 a year but lied and said they made $45,000 to banks that are stupid enough to believe them without even doing a credit check. Stupid banks and stupid people working with stupid politicians, equals the housing bubble about to burst. But now we have a bailout of $700 Billion dollars to banks, but the banks are stupid so they give that money to the politican's stupid friends instead of the US citizens that really really need it.
Oh yeah the rest of the world, the USA economy is tied to your economy even if you live in Canada, the EU, the UK, Australia, or even Caspirar that sunk into the sea because it was a small island nation that Andy Kaufman was from. In 3 days after the US economy collapses, so will yours. Nice knowing you, I may be just the smartest US citizen of all because I state the obvious instead of some bullshit blame somebody else excuse that my fellow Americans are using. Face facts, most Americans are ignoring my news report because nobody cares about taking responsibility for their decisions, actions, and behaviors in the USA or the rest of the world for that matter. We're all about to win Darwin Awards, and find out if God really exists or not, because once we all die, we'll know the real truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Don't lay that bullshit on me, people, you are all just pissed off because you've all become a victim of some stuff you started long ago, and now the shit has finally hit the fan.
Now you know the real conspiracy theory, both the left and right are incompetent.
But I suppose there is still hope for a change as Barack Obama will take over the White House in January 2009. He won in a landslide because he is the only US politician who hasn't screwed anyone over yet. That only is because he has even less experience than Sarah Palin and hasn't done too much but make pretty John F. Kennedy speeches about promises of what he claims he will do. Plus he looks good in a bathing suit and has such a nice smile. Rumors say he is the Black Jesus but others that he is from Krypton and is really Superman but can even Superman save stupid people from their own bad decisions, bad behaviors, and bad actions, and lack of sticking to a budget so they can pay off their bills? Sorry to say, but even Superman isn't immune to mass stupidity on a nationwide level. That $100 Trillion debt to China is his Kryptonite and he's going to have to spend 3 times as much as Bush spent just to fix the damage caused by Bush and Congress.
I'll admit the one thing Barack Obama did right was vote against the Iraqi war, at his Boy Scout meeting, Troop 312 Chicago Illinois at the Trinity Church. After that he was elected to the US Senate and three years later he is elected President, and nobody can remember how he voted in the Senate because he had one of the shortest terms ever for a Senator. But his main qualification for being US President is that he is definitely not George W. Bush. But that is not saying much as a majority of US voters claim they want anyone but Bush, and John McCain was the older, even dumber, version of Bush.
I'd save the day, but nobody cares about me, I ran for office and nobody voted for me. I, of course, would do the obvious and come up with an obvious plan to fix the economy and set things right. But instead Barack Obama won, maybe he has a magic wand or something that can magically wipe out all of the debt in the USA and bring back those lost jobs without spending more money than Bush, who knows? Maybe Obamanomics really does work magic?
Once again this is Captain Obvious reporting for UnNews.
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