UnNews:The Orange Beast opens transuniversal portal to destroy humankind, but Jesus and Santa save the day
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The Orange Beast opens transuniversal portal to destroy humankind, but Jesus and Santa save the day
Straight talk, from straight faces
Sunday, December 4, 2016, 22:21:UTC)(
25 December 2008
GENEVA, Switzerland – After conquering Switzerland and taking control of the Large Hadron Collider, Ruffles programmed the device to open an interdimensional portal that would erase all humans from the face of the earth. Ruffles proclaimed "Nobody can stop me now! Retribution is at hand!" However, as the portal was materializing, the control was overridden by invaders from another universe, a highly advanced race of intelligent machines. The machine army rushed through the portal, but Ruffles fought them resiliently. His anger activated the nanobots Japanese scientists had implanted during his resurrection which reshaped him into an arsenal of sophisticated weaponry. He was able to quickly defeat the enemy with his explosive breath.
But the fight was not over, other invaders were coming. No matter how hopeless it seemed, Ruffles managed to defeat them all with the help of his nanotechnological machinery and manipulated genome making him practically immortal and invincible. After every battle Ruffles came back stronger and more savage than ever. Eventually the fight was over, but since Ruffles had used the LHC to destroy whole universes, it was now completely out of power and the transuniversal portal had dissolved into thin air.
Ruffles had hardly any time to recover from his former ordeal as armies were marching towards his location. Santa Claus and his elves were invading from the North, while Jesus Christ and his army of saints were quickly approaching from the South. Ruffles' legions of animals fought bravely, but were no match for the quasi-magical and divine forces they were up against.
When Jesus and Santa reached Ruffles, they were met with a fiery wall of resistance. Nevertheless, they managed to break through the tiger's fury. Jesus exclaimed "Thou foulest of all beasts! Thou shalt slay no more!" After which the Son of God took his secret weapon from behind his back: Bettie Page, the undead queen of pin-up. By letting Bettie Page bite Ruffles, the monstrous tiger became powerless as all his energy had to be used to fight the zombie curse.
Jesus then recharged the LHC with his divine power and used it to rewrite history the way it should have been, without animals massacring humans, but with humans killing animals and destroying the natural world. Ironically, by attempting to eliminate humanity, Ruffles had unleashed the most terrifying threats upon our universe, in effect forcing him into saving the world. Despite being erased from history, it's still thanks to this tyrannical tiger that our world is safe from these hostile invaders. Additionally, the change resulted in the tiger in Brookfield Zoo behaving quite like a cute little kitty and liking to sniff certain things, therefore being called Sniffles.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
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