UnNews:The Nanobug™ Continues to Spread
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The Nanobug™ Continues to Spread
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, November 26, 2015, 20:15:UTC)(
28 March 2008
NEW YORK, NY- Sales of the Apple iPod Nanobug™ rose this week as the incessant spread of the Nanobug™ craze expanded through much of Europe, Eastern Africa, and Narnia. Combined with release of the latest accessory to the Nanobug™, the iStop™, Apple shares are up 2000% and are expected to rise due to the upcoming release of the Nanobug™ in Asia. Apple owes the wild success of the Nanobug™ to its ingenious engineers who have created a product that is revolutionizing the way people interact with their music. Widely seen as the trendsetter in portable music players, Apple has amassed a solid following who are assuring the spread of the Nanobug™ to all parts of the world.
The iPod Nanobug™ is a system of minuscule machines (NanoBots®) capable playing music right into the user’s cerebral cortex. With an advertised capacity of 100 petabytes (over 25 billion songs), the NanoBots® are capable of storing every song ever recorded with room to spare. The NanoBots® are inhaled through the nostrils and embedded into the brain. There, the iPod Nanobug™ is able to directly interface with the user’s temporal lobe, the part of the brain responsible for hearing. This results in ultimate portability since the user will have the sensation of listening to music without having to carry anything. This design reflects Apple’s current style, the concept of “nothing must show.” However, because of conflicts with this style, the controls for changing songs as well as the stop button were removed from the design. This trend in portable media players is rapidly gaining popularity. It is rumored that Sony, one of Apple’s competitors, is also trying to incorporate the “nothing must show” style by appropriating its resources into making the Walkman® invisible.
With superb advertising and an established brand, the iPod Nanobug™ is selling phenomenally well despite critics blasting the Nanobug™ for the lack of the most basic controls. They ask, “How do you turn the music in your head off without a stop button?” Dubbed the “iPlague” by critics, they claim that the Nanobug™ is a device that “essentially gets a song stuck in the user’s head while the user is powerless to stop or change the song. Howard Stringer, CEO of the Sony Corporation, bitterly questions how consumers can fall for such a “horrible and senseless product” and wishes that Sony’s “old school” one terabyte Walkman® can garner the same brand loyalty as followers of the iPod. These words have apparently fallen on deaf ears as sales of the Walkman® continue to lose ground against the Nanobug™.
With the latest addition of the “stop button,” or iStop™, the incentive to buy the Nanobug™ only increases. Ivan Greene, a dedicated supporter of Apple and all of their endeavors, extols the latest accessory saying, “Now I have the freedom to stop the music whenever I want. Apple is truly ingenious for coming up with this.” Sixteen year old Felix Chang recently jumped on the Nanobug™ bandwagon, saying, “All my friends had one so it must be good.”
The iStop™ is not without its competitors, and small third party manufacturers have been making a similar accessory for months. Founder of Integrated Solutions Inc., Gunaratna Rajagopalachari, reflects on his company’s BugStop™ accessory, claiming, “Our product functions more consistently than the iStop, and it’s been on the market for nearly three months. Our thirty-seven customers have been very happy with our product, while the iStop only works in 80% of users.” Rajagopalachari laments that his company does not have the advertising power of Apple. NewTech’s Frans Schleiderman is in the same situation. He feels his company’s UltraStop® has “no chance” against the Apple advertising behemoth.
With their enormous profits generated from the Nanobug™, Apple announces that they are planning to negotiate the acquisition of the nations of Tanzania, Uganda, and Mozambique. It is reported that these three nations will be united as the iLand™ Confederation. Prime Minister of Mozambique Luisa Diogo says, “We are excited to contribute to the growth of the great company of Apple. We truly appreciate the great economic aid they have given us.” The citizens of iLand™ will soon be enjoying the availability of the Nanobug™ as well as free public education administered by Apple certified instructors.
A small but growing group of radical conspiracy theorists speculate that the ability of the Nanobug™ to interact with a person’s brain as well as the acquisition of these small African nations are Apple’s first steps to global domination. Apple’s official position as well as mainstream public opinion holds that these steps are made only to further improve the quality of Apple’s products. In response to the growth of these fringe groups, the Apple’s Director of Public Relations, Ivo Konmann, states that Apple’s goal is to “eliminate these outrageous allegations that tarnish Apple’s corporate image.” The effectiveness of Apple’s campaign has been slow, as the small conspiracy movement continues to grow. Konmann emphasizes, “We just want people to continue to enjoy our products.”