UnNews:The Man disappointed by election results
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The Man disappointed by election results
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, January 16, 2017, 19:42:UTC)(
5 November 2008
INTERNATIONAL HQ - The Man has sent out a statement issuing his disgust and disappointment with the 2008 election results. Two hundred years of world dominanace through string pulling and puppet organizations came crashing down at the International Headquarters of The Man last night, as staffers and agents shredded documents and certificates that may be confiscated by the government under the new regime. The election of Barack Obama as President of the United States signifies what may be a free fall in the coming months of the power grip that The Man still holds over the commoners and civilians of the country, on a day when he assumed that the election of Senator McCain would have brought at least eight more years of silent control methods.
Congress is working in a frenzy to prepare a federal bailout plan that would ensure that The Man would continue running operations through the other side of the Obama administration, but permanent damage to The Man's reputation appears to have been done. Though he could not be reached for comment, a spokesperson for The Man estimates that their organization and infiltration will retreat back to an original, undisclosed location away from the city to regroup and begin to assess and initiate damage control from the situation.
UnNews callers have been attempting to contact the office of The Man in hopes of landing an exclusive interview to discuss his feelings towards the present state and future of the country, and how much respect he now will get from its citizens. We will also be diving in-depth to determine just where some of his policies went wrong, including-
Proposition 19, a bill that would have criminalized the act of 'keepin it real' in the state of Indiana, was struck down by voters 56% to 39% there. The Man considers this a crushing blow to his movement, in a state in which supporters assumed that their hard-nosed efforts and policies would have prevailed.
Proposition N, a new policy that would have moved the three-point line back another foot, and raised the basket ten inches higher in both the ABA and International Play. Representatives dismissed the bill.
The Jello Commission, a movement that would have taken Bill Cosby off of life support, was defeated in key polling areas of the southwestern states that previously had fallen out of favor with the comedy of Mr. Cosby, but his recent efforts of alienating the youth and parents through shame tactics may have affected the decision of the voters.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|