UnNews:The Late Report
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The Late Report
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, January 23, 2017, 08:45:UTC)(
11 April 2010
UNNEWS HQ, Usa, Japan -- Good evening, and welcome to UnNews' exclusive late report: the 10 o' Clock News at 11. Tonight, we will be giving you a recap of all the important news that you may have missed. We have specially selected 6 interesting news stories from this week... or so... that we think will be of the most interest to you, and therefore the most likely to bring home the bacon to us.
edit Controversial Headbutt Disrupts World Cup
From the subject of Sports, we definitely brought you the story of how Zinedine Zidane viciously headbutted Marco Materazzi in the middle of the World Cup final. Zidane said Materazzi provoked him by insulting his mother and sister. And he said that while he apologized to the "children" who had witnessed the incident, he had no regrets and would do it all over again. Several times. With an axe.
edit Revolutionary Network of Machines Will Change the World
From the subject of Technology, UnNews was undoubtedly the first to bring you the news that a brand new network of automatic computers (aka "CPU"'s) has been created that will allow computers to connect to each other from all over the world. While many scientists believe that this network-- known to some as the "Internet"-- will never have any practical value, however, UnNews firmly doubts this prediction and predicts that billions of people will one day depend on the Internet to bring them their copies of UnNews, among other things.
edit Uncyclopedia-esque Television Series to be Broadcast on the BBC
From the world of Entertainment, we brought you the shocking story of the blatant plagiarism of Uncyclopedia being made into a British comedy TV series, which was to be released under the pseudonym of "Monty Python's Flying Circus". Here is some footage of the show that demonstrates the extent to which it rips off Uncyclopedia:
Uncyclopedia's influence is obvious. Unfortunately, however, UnNews bitterly regretted to announce that there is nothing we could do about it, and there is little doubt that the plagiarists will become international superstars of comedy.
edit News on The War
UnNews delivered the news with utmost delight that the war that has been going on for years is finally approaching its end. The enemy has been soundly defeated, and the terrorist organization had been effectively disbanded, and American troops are finally starting to return home. The terrorist leader, however, had gone missing once again, and, though his name was already burned into the hearts and fears of Americans everywhere, authorities wished anyone with information on where Adolf Hitler may be hiding to come forward.
edit Economy Disaster: Large-Scale Recession Imminent
From the subject of Business, it is with great regret that UnNews announced the coming of an enormous economical recession. UnNews also took the controversial stand that the recession would soon evolve into the biggest depression in history, but, in a more positive light, announced that, given the current statistics of the depression, that the depression will be over by 1940, and we will start to enter into a Golden Age.
edit Questionable Execution Brings in Massive Wave of Controversy
Finally, from the field of Politics, UnNews told you the story of how a massive riot put pressure under a judge to execute a man who seemed to have done nothing wrong. Authorities suspected religious priests were responsible for manipulating the crowd. Although the judge did not wish to pronounce the man guilty of a crime that no one knew of. When asked why the man was to executed, the crowd responded, reportedly, that, "If [he] was not a criminal, we wouldn't ask you to kill him!" Seeing the ferocity of the mob, and unable to convince them otherwise, the judge pronounced that they could do to the man "whatever they wished"; which was, in fact, to flog him, beat him, mock him, and finally nail him to a pole and leave him there to die.
This provoked anger from certain religious groups, who believed that this man was, in fact, the Son of God, and massive debates raged on about the man's true identity, and, as one UnNews reporter predicted, "will probably continue to do so for the next 2000 years." UnNews also abstained from either affirming or denying the rumors that the man rose from his grave.
And that is all for the Late Report for this evening. Tune in next week for the Early Report, with some shocking stories about the world and what it will look like in two years.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|