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15 December 2007
ORLANDO, Florida, USA - Orlando, Florida is in fact the most revolting cesspool in the entire United States. Outside the Berlin-like walls that separate Disney World from reality, thieves, murderers, rapists and crack addicts maintain active, invigorated lifestyles. Just a few months ago, Uncyclopedia staff writer and venture capitalist Me was robbed quite violently by former rock legend Keith Moon in this very locale. Now, it seems that another celebrity (with an already extensive rap sheet) has decided to pull a heist in this lawless east-coast version of the wild wild west.
Rodney R. Dauller, better known as The Grinch, rose to fame in 1966 after the incriminating (and cleverly rhymed) exposé known as "The Whoville Docket" was publicly issued. Special Agent Theodore "Dr. Seuss" Geisel penned (and illustrated) the magnum opus after a 15-man team of detectives endured countless hours of undercover surveillance work. The devastating report brought Dauller's sinister plan of thievery into the homes of millions of Americans, forever binding him to the "Grinch" moniker, despite countless efforts towards self-betterment -- including community service, volunteer firefighting, and a 3x heart augmentation.
Over the next few decades, The Grinch slowly regained the trust of Whoville. Johnny Too Who stopped egging his house year-round. The Mayor of Whoville stopped leaving threatening messages on his answering machine. His dog eventually spoke to him again. Indeed, from all angles, it seemed that Rodney Dauller had braved the tough road into total rehabilitation. Yet that all changed with a single visit to Central Florida.
Down to view the new stage adaptation of If I Did It: How the Grinch Would've Stole Christmas if He Weren't Innocent (which premiered at Universal Studios on December 12th), The Grinch met Florida as wide-eyed as any tourist. He went to theme parks, bought souvenirs for his friends, and thought very little of crime. Unfortunately, another ever-popular tourist activity in the surrounding area is picking up a cheap prostitute on Orange Blossom Trail. With Dauller's long-time weakness for hookers, it was only a matter of days before The Grinch was back on the streets using illicit drugs. With the need for heroine setting in at a record speed, The Grinch was forced towards the only thing he knew how to do: steal. Christmas.
Luckily for The Grinch, the Orange County PD is infinitely less competent than the police in the fictional town of Whoville.
While in the process of moving into the scumzone, Tanya Owen returned home from work to find herself the victim of the Grinch's misdoings. Upon entering her residence, Ms. Owen found that not only were the presents under her tree missing, but so too was the tree itself, along with various other items from within the home. For the single mother and her four children, Christmas had officially been Grinchnapped.
Of course, in typical OCPD form, responding police officers initially blamed Owen for the robbery, hoping to arrest her and close the case in time to watch MacGyver. However, after feeling too lazy to plant incriminating evidence on the woman, the police finally made the decision to take the easy route and mark the case as "Pending." An Uncyclopedia contact within the department assert that "[w]hen we say 'pending', we mean it; you know, pending any new information, pending witnesses...pretty much pending the answer falling from the sky, or something along those lines." He then went to turn off his police scanner so he could better enjoy his BLT sandwich. "Perhaps no one mentioned to the police that the culprit is the Grinch," one might say. "No," says the precinct, "no one has mentioned to us that the Grinch is responsible."
As such, the Grinch remains at large. Locals are urged to encounter and apprehend the criminal at all costs, before similar Holiday thefts occur.
- ↑ Special Agent Seuss was also responsible for the epic takedown of Huggy Bear Horton and his prostitution empire.
- Harlan, Arthur "Depravity in Orlando comes as no surprise, even at Christmastime". Orlando Sentinel, December 15, 2007