UnNews:The Governator hospitalized; claims "it's not a tumor!"
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The Governator hospitalized; claims "it's not a tumor!"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, September 25, 2016, 19:06:UTC)(
28 August 2006
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SACRAMENTO, California -- California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was hospitalized early this morning after what doctors call was a minor headache caused by a severe stroke. The Governator seems to have extensive brain damage, the most severe resulting in him portraying several of his movie roles and speaking with an Austrian accent.
"Everything tastes like peanut butter," stated Arnold, "but you'll be glad to know that it's not a tumor." He is scheduled to undergo several weeks of rehabilitation before he can return to his duty as Governor.
This wasn't the first health-related incident for The Governator. Back in 1982, he suffered a minor hernia from attempting to bench press breakthrough television star, Oprah Winfrey. He also suffered a minor heart attack in April of 2004 after he reportedly got too excited from punching Gray Davis in the throat.
"Right now, he won't let doctors touch him because he accuses them of looking like Predator. Just a few minutes ago he was claiming to be Detective John Kimble," said Arnold's wife of 20 years, Maria Shriver.
"Get in the chopper, NOW!" stated Arnold in rebuttal before doctors sedated him. He is currently in stable condition and is expected to make a full recovery.