UnNews:The Final Samurai
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The Final Samurai
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, September 25, 2016, 20:54:UTC)(
17 May 2006
The last samurai has finally been rooted out of Japan's rooty tree of life. He was found near his eastern LA home. When the emperor of Japan heard that the last samurai had been found, he immediately ordered Jpanese officials to track him down.
Upon receiving a photo of the ancient warrior, he exclaimed, "Who the fuck is this, he isn't yewo, he is white. What the heiw do you take me for? A mongowian?"
When LA police heard of the last samurai being in their city, they immediately met up with him. Once they saw that it was no samurai, but Tom Cruise, they were put out.
A young policeman by the name of Homer Sectual was very put out. "Man what the heck is this breh?" he exclaimed, "this ain't nothin but a honky! Tom Cruise, yo' movies suck! You weren't even the samurai in that vid' man, you were a friend of the last samurai!" Tom Cruise, being very fond of his own work, was insulted by the accusation.
Tom Cruise quickly went to his wife and newborn baby. "Don't worry my dear, the emperor will soon see," he said. His wife still couldn't understand why he was fighting, he wasn't even a samurai. "Gosh darn it special!" he yelled, and then was off.
Police reported that he rode towards them slowly on his Skooty-Glide Jr. bycicle with a long samurai sword in hand. They told him to stop and they didn't mean any trouble, but the maddened poser could not be stopped. They claimed he rode towards Sherriff Al Cohol with an intent to kill. The old sherriff ordered a spike strip to be laid out. The little bicycle was said to have flipped when the spikes popped the tiny tires. Police repeatedly said that he tripped over the bike landing face first on his driveway as he rode to them. After a few minutes of hard breathing, Tom supposedly got up and began to cry. His Skooty-Glide Jr. was crushed under his body armored in cardboard. Reporters were then on the scene and reported that police officials tried to give him band-aids with green T-rex's on them, but Tom refused.
Reporters wrote that he then stabbed himself with his samurai sword saying, "a samurai cannot live in the shame of defeat."
In a rage, the police said all together "You...are...not...a...SAMURAI!"
When the emperor of Japan heard of Tom's death, he giggled. "Siwwy Amewican , stick to stealing our Sony pwoducts and not our honah and hewitage . Hehe, you want Japanese, you go to Panda Inn and get some fwied wice and sweet an' sowah pouk."