UnNews:Thanksgiving celebrated with stealth disclosures

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Thanksgiving celebrated with stealth disclosures

Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out

UnNews Logo Potato
Sunday, August 20, 2017, 10:04:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

26 November 2015

BatteredObama

Don't worry, the embattled President "gave as good as he got."

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- On this holiday when Americans give thanks for having such honest leaders (or anything else they can strain to think of), the honest leaders themselves engage in a time-honored Thanksgiving holiday ritual: the publication of notices that they hope no one notices, the night before the holiday.

Consequently, Honest "O" has used the eve of the blessed day to announce over 2000 new regulations, 144 of which have been scored by the Government Accountability Office to take $100 million or more to comply with.

Happily, none of the new regulations will cost anyone "a dime of new taxes," and many will solve pressing national problems such as the smoggy air that is why one always hears Americans coughing, as well as cut-throat competition in various agricultural markets and the problems faced by Muslims getting equal time for their points-of-view in Presbyterian churches. And if America in 2016 goes O-for-eight in achieving a "Summer of Recovery," that will again be George W. Bush's fault.

One of the new regs is actually helpful: Nutrition Facts will have to state serving sizes that "can reasonably be consumed at one eating occasion." This will not cost anyone anything, not even the cost of figuring out what an "eating occasion" is. An early draft specified "one sitting," but it was potentially hurtful to those who do not sit down to eat, such as the Differently Hemorrhoidally Abled. And it replaces a regulation that forced producers to list serving sizes that would fit inside a thimble, and allowed them to round the harmful ingredients in a serving down to zero.

The publication does not mean the rules are final, as agency deliberations still must be completed. To this reporter, for example, four apple fritters is eminently reasonable in "one eating occasion."

Best of all, Americans can expect that the Obama Administration will not be putting anything more over on them for a full month — until Christmas Eve.

Not all the sleaze is found in Washington, however — it merely winds up there. Elsewhere, Walt Disney Corporation took the moment to sneak out a report that ESPN is down to 92 million subscribers, from 99 million in 2013. At the current rate, in 2028 a complete Russian Reversal will occur and ESPN will subscribe to you. The decimation occurred because the network, instead of schmoozing executives and politicians, had to appeal directly to the people paying the bill. This shift could have applications to government itself, from "affordable" health care to public schools.

edit Sources

Personal tools
projects