UnNews:Thanks to new loopholes, Gambling now world's largest industry
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Thanks to new loopholes, Gambling now world's largest industry
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, December 1, 2015, 22:08:UTC)(
18 August 2007
Brooklyn, New York - Last month in Brooklyn, a crafty young man searching through the book of US Laws discovered several loopholes and catches in the schemes of legal and illegal gaming. Apparenlty, the limits of offshore gambling are not what the general public thinks. In fact, you need only to be one foot off shore in any body of water or liquid to form a legal gambling or booking operation. After word spread quickly through major media outlets, the amateur gambling industry quickly became the largest corporation in the world.
"Technically, there's not much we can do about it besides ride it out. This whole gambling and betting thing is just a fad, you know," quoted a government fatcat. Although, in a recent poll, 96% of Americans said that they were "likely to or already had been" addicted to gambling, and that this new law would likely drive them to bankruptcy.
Nonetheless, the party shows no signs of letting up. Government officials say that they are completely helpless, that the founding fathers were idiots for putting such devices in the great document, and had a 'strong suspicion' that this was the intent all along. Americans are no longer forced to drive to shady, backwoods towns in Tennessee or Idaho or windswept Gulf Coast cruise liners. We can now legally drop anchor in a baby pool, puddle of mudd, gravy boat, or floodplain and crap the night away. Craps, we mean. The betting game.
You know, ever since this started, I've been screaming HIT ME whenever I see a glass of water. Is that a good thing. Anyhoo, our UnNews office is taking the day off to go to Lenny's Blackjack & Roulette Bonanza at the park fountain a few streets down. We'll wrap this crank up later. I'm sure I won't be gone long.
Shouldn't have kept buying; now I'm $500,000 in the hole. Where was I...
The creation of these new by-laws have increased US tourism by 784% in the past few weeks, as a flood of visitors from lesser lands have shot past the border in order to stake their claim in the winnings. As of today, there are 61,900,000 registered casinos in and around the waters of the United States, and as we stated earlier, this shows no signs of letting up. The finder of this loophole, a man living above a Wendy's in Brooklyn who is known only as "Tron", has been recognized as the world's richest man, with a net value of nearly $37 Trillion US dollars. You too, could be the next luckiest man alive! Come on down to Lenny's Blackjack & Roulette Bonanza, at the corner of Washboard & 206th, and test your luck today! Who knows - you just might break even! YEE-HAW!
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|