UnNews:Texas man asks wife to cry rape
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Texas man asks wife to cry rape
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 26, 2017, 19:03:UTC)(
6 September 2009
Austin, Texas - Chris Jenkins, recently laid off from the Ayers Tool and Die factory, has asked his wife Helen to accuse him of rape. Given that the couple of nine years has two kids of their own and another from a previous marriage, and that job prospects for either are scant, she has agreed.
"I love Chris", said Helen, "But we need the money." She is referring to Texas's new law that provides $80,000 a year to those who are found to have been wrongly convicted. "All our friends are doing it, why should we be the only ones not on the gravy train?", said Helen.
The plan is simplicity itself, and becoming quite a popular means of weathering Obama's "stimulas" package. The wife in such cases cries rape, and the husband is convicted soley upon her testimony. Given the dynamics of such things, the sentence is usually no more then five to ten years, half of which is waived for good behavior. At any time after imprisonment, depending on how much the family needs, the wife can then confess and the husband is then freed.
"I'll probably get five years", said Chris, "and only need serve two and a half of that. But while I'm hoping to go the whole distance, which would bring us $200,000, Helen has promised to recant sooner if it's harder than I thought. We've agreed that I must serve at least a year, which would pay off our mortgage."
District Attorney Charles Mayweather is not amused. "These people need to rethink the obvious here, and take an economics course or three. Do they honestly believe that there is no correlation between what the state is compelled to pay out to the wrongly convicted and the number of times the state is willing to admit that they wrongly convicted?", he said. "I mean, jeez, we always say that tougher sentences reduce the crime rate, don't they think that higher costs for the state will reduce the release rate?"
But blinded by dollar signs, and amazingly confident in a judicial system that sends more citizens to their death than Rwanda, Chris and Helen - and thousands of others - are still pushing forward with their plans.
"After all, where else can any working joe get $80,000 a year nowadays?" said Chris, as he was led off by police.