UnNews:Texas implements harsh measures against chupacabras
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Texas implements harsh measures against chupacabras
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, June 26, 2016, 01:10:UTC)(
8 November 2009
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LOCKHART, Texas -- Historically, Texas has been considered the home of large-scale cattle ranching, and until the 1970's, enjoyed a strong market presence in beef. Since the first sighting of an interloper from the South, however, cattle herds in the Lone Star State have been attacked and decimated by a stealthy predator, El Chupacabra.
Long-time rancher Fernaldo Vizier told UnNews, "Nobody believed in 'em when it was just a cow here and there. Mostly we figured they was probably coyotes, or even wolves. Except in the case at the Lazy Bastard (ranch) down the road this way a piece," pointing North on Dascomb Road. "They was surgically experimented on by space aliens. We could tell by the way they filleted them."
Cowboy Ransome Fudde went on to say, "then in the eighties, there was a spike in mutilations and killings, and most of 'em weren't clean, no sir, let me tell you. 'Cept for the aliens killings, these were all done by what 'et 'em, you can tell. They's all torn up and organs gone... it's a mess!"
Eugenia Addlepate of Texas A&M University heads up a program aimed at controlling chupacabra populations, and eventually exterminating them in the United States. The plans to release the only known natural enemy of chupacabras into Texas scrubland; the Greater Crested Raptor-footed Wallaphant.
Says Ms Addlepate, "Using this safe and effective method of eradication, we plan to release two Wallaphants at a time in selected areas. They will build a nest, and immediately after, will begin the fearsome hunt to satisfy their bloodlust."
Although the creatures have been variously described as, "utterly terrifying" and "ravenous, blood-thirsty beasts" and "foul, repugnant, filthy creatures", state level government officials maintain that no one will be in much danger. Caldwell County Deputy Sheriff Percy Mandelbrot assures his charges that, "every precaution will be taken to assure the publics safety. We'll have men on highways and in the country on horseback patrolling, all armed with fifty caliber rifles and Desert Eagle handguns. Just in case, you know?"
- Norman Vincent Bong "Texas statesmen take threat to cattle industry seriously". Lockhart Gazette, November 8, 2009