UnNews:Testosterone-fuelled Vehicles Linked to Aggressive Driving
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
19 July 2007
Vancouver, B.C. (Bench Press): A new study on the effects of environmentally-friendly alternative fuels suggests there is a strong correlation between the use of testosterone and automobile accidents. According to University of British Columbia chemist Benjamin Johnson, "it does not appear to be the wonder-fuel everyone thought at first. We have documented extreme side effects on vehicular behaviour."
Originally promoted as a clean fuel that would improve automotive function and speed, it now appears to have drawbacks in terms of safety. "These vehicles think they own the road," stated Mothers Against Testosterone Efficiency president F.U. Kerr. "They drive like maniacs, cutting corners, weaving in and out of traffic, and speeding everywhere. They are prone to road rage." MATE Mother F.U. Kerr added that "I personally have been targeted – why, numerous times I’ve heard my name being screamed from crazed vehicles."
Consumers Reports spokesperson Heidi Klum referred to the claims of high performance and efficiency as "nonsense": "I’ve ridden some of the purportedly superior models, and believe me, they’re nothing special. Sure, it’s great to feel the nozzle while you’re pumping, but once pumped these models are so aggressive that the ride ends prematurely as they roll over into a ditch. It always leaves me completely unsatisfied and, quite frankly, wanting my money back." Klum continued: "and it’s a myth that there’s no emissions. No carbon emissions perhaps, but they still mess up the immediate environment."
A spokesperson for Toyota, a leading producer of testosterone vehicles, vehemently denied that the fuel could impact on any car’s behaviour. "Everyone knows that cars are driven by people. They do not have their own personalities. Our vehicles are perfectly safe; it’s the drivers you need to worry about. I personally have seen some of them at the pumps actually drinking the fuel before they drive. The women especially. Just make drivers do drug tests – like athletes – and arrest anyone with a particularly high testosterone level. You’d be doing society a favour anyway."
Herbie, the notorious love bug, disagreed: "I’ve always been a gas car, but occasionally I sneak in a little testosterone – it makes my body feel stronger. I like the energy it gives me, but I have to admit it does make me feel a bit more aggressive. I try to take it only before car dates and races. Fortunately, they drug-test the drivers but not the racing cars – as if the drivers have anything to do with who wins."
Meanwhile, Toyota is working on alternatives, such as adapting older vehicles to a new Viagra-based fuel known as Superior EXtra: "We understand that consumers wish to experiment with different fuel types, accessories, and positions for maximum comfort and S.EX. drive – but without any danger. We want a clean, safe S.EX. alternative."
Meanwhile, at U.B.C., Dr. Johnson says the latest craze of marijuana-fuelled vehicles should be much safer: "The prognosis is good. I can’t imagine too many accidents given how calm the test-cars seem."