UnNews:Testing for Alcoholism
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Testing for Alcoholism
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, July 6, 2015, 07:49:UTC)(
10 August 2009
California, USA -- Bored of following the latest celebrity gossip, NASA scientist, Virginia Huff has come up with an ingenious way to spot an alcoholic. The elegant left handed biologist has set up a 'free drink' facility at her Californian clinic. Celebrities are lured in with a free alcoholic drink and Huff watches as her experiment takes form.
Huff explained her theory, "the true test of an alcoholic is their tolerance of alcohol and their intolerance of others pinching it. So far Science has chosen only the tolerance test but my intention was to take it one step beyond and consider the intolerance effect."
The Aquarian academic invites the Hollywood stars to her clinic for a 'polite drink in social surroundings'. What the highly paid entertainers don't know is that they are about to become unknowing contributors to Huff's 'get rick quick' scientific test.
As soon as they accept the drink, Huff gets an accomplice to tap them on their left shoulder. As they look away, Huff secretly secretes a live fly into their alcoholic beverage. When their attention is again drawn to their addiction, their level of addiction is tested. Huff believes there are four levels of reaction:
- Level 1 - Mild drinker
- Level 2 - Hard drinker
- Level 3 - Alcoholic
- Level 4 - Hardened alcoholic
Level 1 drinkers complain about the fly and ask for a replacement. Level 2 drinkers take the fly out and continue to drink. Level 3 drinkers see the fly, don't care and drink anyway. Level 4 drinkers see the fly, go red in the face, clutch it in their fingers and, hanging the fly upside down over their drink, shout, "Spit it out you bastard!"
The test has so far been completely useless at providing medical science with any cure for alcoholism but it has proved particularly fruitful for Huff in 'OK' magazine sales as she lists the new 'A list' of alcoholism.
Huff's techniques have been brought into question by none other than the infamous Crosby poet, and RSPCA fan, Roger Van Gogh. "She's obviously a very talented scientist" hiccoughed Van Gogh, "but I'm more interested in her ability to half drown a living fly in a drink while some celebrity has got distracted. A Shaolin priest operating with that level of deftness 'would have learnt,' by now." He then set fire to his Liverpool Echo and started to walk on the dying embers amid shrieks of, "fuck this!!!"
Huff's list of top 5 level 4's:
- Russell Crowe
- Lindsay Lohan
- Phil 'The Tufty' Taylor
- Kev Best
- Oliver Reed
It is believed that a level 5 does exist but until she has further populated this, Huff could only be heard to mutter, "Alan 'Five Chillies' Causer." It is thought that the RSPCA are beginning to investigate Causer's unscientific techniques to extract every last mouthful from unwilling tipsy 'tsetse' flys.