This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
28 December 2011
WRINKLYVILLE, Scrotopia -- Local authorties of the tricounty area report that a testicle molester is on the loose, molesting testicles left and right. Center, too, for those among us who have three of them.
Reports of a testicle molester came pouring in this week as many citizens, mostly male, reported having their testicles molested. The testicle molester has been described by his victims as a middle-aged Caucasian male with scruffy facial hair and is usually seen wearing a colourful sweater vest, crotchless jeans, an eye patch and a rubber hat that looks like the head of a penis.
In an ironic twist, victims say countless self-defense kicks in the crotch have no effect on the nutty molester, leading many to speculate that he has no testicles of his own. Detectives theorize that he could be a war veteran who lost most of his genitalia in battle, while criminal psychologists believe that his own lack of testes could be the root cause of his obsessive testicle molesting. Still others suggest he's a BSDM fetisher who actually receives pleasure from kicks in the crotch.
The mayor has issued a statement saying that all men in the area should clasp their crotches tightly at all times when going out in public in order to prevent testicular molestation.