UnNews:Test of Miss USA Contestants Reveals No Virgins
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Test of Miss USA Contestants Reveals No Virgins
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 3, 2015, 23:51:UTC)(
20 June 2006
ATLANTIC CITY, New Jersey - Extensive tests of all 2006 Miss USA contestants has confirmed that not one of them is a virgin, despite their unmarried status. Contest officials called the test results, "disappointing," "unfortunate," and "extremely hot."
The tests, conducted by the independent research lab at the Hefner Sexuality Clinic, consisted of direct physical examination, to determine if a penis had, indeed ever entered their moist, hot little vaginas. A variety of cognitive skills tests were also issued to ascertain if the young women recognized a penis, and knew its function in the reproductive process. The results were surprising, but not completely unexpected.
According to Dr. Wayne Masticali, chief physician of the Clinic, "We thought we'd find a variety of sexual knowledge among these sweet things, with their dazzling smiles, perfect tits and sweet, honey-dripping asses. We found that no only had all of their throbbing cherries been popped long ago, nearly all of these chicks were very experienced at both oral and anal sex, and penetrations by more than one partner at a time, as well."
But this cloud also has a silver lining. Videotaped transcripts of contestant interviews are currently downloading from the Miss USA website at five dollars each and the organization has raised nearly $18 million since last Thursday.