UnNews:Terrorist plans to cause building evacuations and flight delays are working
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Terrorist plans to cause building evacuations and flight delays are working
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 2, 2015, 10:06:UTC)(
14 November 2007
WASHINGTON DC, USA -- The Department of Homeland Security released a new analysis report today that many Americans have called "Chilling," "shocking," and "difficult to read." The report contains news that comes as a major blow for the country's ongoing War on Terror: terrorists are not only still around, they are now successfully pulling off more attacks than ever in the United States.
"These terrorists are tricky bastards," says the leader of the homeland security department, Agent 5544, "They've ditched their whole military approach for something a lot more subtle and psychological." According to the report, the department has discovered a secret, sinister terrorist plot to cause as many airport delays and building evacuations as possible.
"These evildoers have hatched a highly nefarious scheme," continues Agent 5544, "Rather than to continue to waste money on expensive weapons and bombs and waste manpower by sending their agents on suicide missions, they've gone for a much more cost-effective approach. All they have to do is plant a fake bomb or otherwise suspicious package, anything from a pumpkin to a lunchbox to a baby bottle to a Furby, in a plane or another public place. This suspicious object will undoubtedly cause delays, whether it's a traffic jam, an airplane being diverted several thousand miles, or a building being evacuated."
Apparently, there's been a mass infiltration of terrorist agents into the United States, terrorist agents who are willing to go to any means--whether it be stapling an Arabic shopping list to the wall of a bus, or even putting an empty cardboard box on a bridge--to cause hellish traffic jams and other transportation delays. "Obviously, we're gonna have to step up our war effort," says Vice President Dick Cheney, "After all, think of all the terrorists who are in our country right now, armed with cheeseburgers, laundry baskets, and other menacingly suspicious objects and waiting, just waiting, to spring their evil traps. It could be YOU who's caught in a terrorist traffic jam next!"
Horrifyingly enough, this strategy appears to be working perfectly, as the number of evacuations and airplane diversions taking place in America and abroad have been increasing at a startling rate lately. Examples of such incidents include a bridge in Los Angeles that was closed for 5 days due to a dirty sock, a Michigan college being closed for several days because of "suspicious electronic equipment" found inside a bus in the college parking lot (the "suspicious equipment" turned out to be an Ipod), and an airplane that was blown up by Navy forces this year because a woman had "a suspicious device" on her chest that turned out to be a brassiere.
When this UnNews reporter asked a passenger on a bus what he thought of this incident, he said, "Hasn't it occurred to anyone that these objects might NOT have been placed by terrorists? That they're just what they seem to be--random pieces of litter and other completely harmless stuff?" This man was immediately given suspicious looks from other passengers, and the bus was diverted to a police station where the man was strip searched, X-rayed, and anally probed for 5 hours before police confirmed that he was empty handed. "Those terrorist bastards--they've done it again!" said one woman as she stepped off the bus, five hours late for work.
- 680News staff ""Suspicious package" that caused bank evacuation actually an alarm clock". 680News, November 09, 2007