UnNews:Terrorist group claims responsibility for Williams' foot fault
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14 September 2009
ABUMULLAHJIHADSTAN, Lebanon — Serena Williams' loss at the US Open semifinal match against Kim Clijsters due to a foot fault call reportedly provoked the negroid tennis superstar to utter, "I swear to God I'm COLONEL CLUSTER FUCK going to take this COLONEL CLUSTER FUCK ball and shove it down your COLONEL CLUSTER FUCK throat, you hear that? I swear to God." The statement was directed to the game's lineswoman who made the call. All of this came after Serena grew increasingly upset over the direction of the match and the fact that she was, as she put it, "losing to a waffle fucker". Serena is set to be fined $10,000 plus $500 for racquet abuse.
Following the incident was a press conference in which Williams claimed to not remember what she had said to the lineswoman. "I don't remember what I said to that cunt. I was really exhausted. I spent all night playing Wii tennis in preparation for the game. And I'm bipolar, and it was one of those depressive moods that day. And I was on my period. And my grandmother just passed away recently. And I grew up in an underpriveleged suburb where all of the other kids had CDs and I was still using 8-track tapes."
Tournament officials have since raised the issue of Williams' gender, claiming that whether she is a male or female is an area of concern. They say that her passion for the game of football and sports in general, her gorilla-like mannerisms and physique, and her acuminate abdominal hair are all indications that she is either a man or an intelligent monkey. Procedural physicals have thus far been inconclusive and DNA analysis is expected.
Interestingly, the terrorist group Fatah al-Islam has claimed responsibility for both the foot fault call (Williams' subsequent loss of the match) and Williams gender controversy. A group spokesman, Abu Mohamad Awad, spoke with UnNews outside of a Lebanese library after having just finished reading "My Pet Camel" to a group of amputee children. "Our fighters in the US Open, including the lineswoman, carried out their sacrifices dutifully." According to Awad, the linewsoman was supposed to detonate herself. When it was clear that the bra bomb was malfunctional, she went to "Plan B". "[It] was a great success for our cause."
Some imams with connection to the group have cried foul and accused Awad of ethics violations. The targeting of this match in the US Open, some say, was an attempt to win a sports bet. "You cannot bet your daughter's virginity over a tennis match if you are going to rig it," said Abdul Abdeer, a local imam. "I'm leaving his fantasy football league as soon as our country gets the computers and the intrawebs." In a response to these criticisms, Awad defended himself and the group using a red herring about finances and the downed economy as justification. "I must sit outside of stores with my guitar and solicite people to throw money into my turban. Just today the manager of McMartyr's restaurant told me I had to leave or else they would call the police. Fuckin' Obama. This is what we have been reduced to."
The group has also claimed responsibility for Ted Kennedy's brain tumor, Joe "You Lie!" Wilson's tourettes, the deadly H1N1 virus, the recent death of the world's oldest living person, and the Armenian
Genocide Accidents. A video tape released by the group shows the late Senator Ted Kennedy being held hostage and then beheaded. The video was deemed as authentic by the CIA until two weeks when it was found that he actually died from his brain tumor in his Massachusetts residence.
The group refused to explain the methodology by which they created the gender controversy, but explained that the buzz surrounding it is understandable. "Even in my country women sweat enough testosterone to poison a bullshark. The abundance of hair is often misleading, and the monotonous tones many of us Muslims speak with makes it difficult to tell by voice just what it is that you are raping."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|