UnNews:Terror Attacks! They’re coming…For you!
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Terror Attacks! They’re coming…For you!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, September 24, 2016, 22:40:UTC)(
13 August 2006
LONDON, UK -- Home Secretary John Reid has warned that fresh attacks on the UK were "highly likely" and the terrorists are concealed throughout the country. Beneath man hole covers, behind trees, in cupboards under the stairs, with rats and spiders, ready and waiting, waiting to “Get you!” He revealed that police were investigating around two dozen major terror plots planned by “Very bad men.”
As police continued to hold 23 men over airline liquid bomb allegations, when asked what the best to deal with the threat of terrorism was Mr Reid advised people to “Go home crawl under a table, and weep” reminding them to “Stay scared!” at all times. “If you’re not wetting the bed you’re not frightened enough!” he claimed. “Have you pissed yourself yet?” he asked reporters. “I think I have.”
There is rising anger over the handling of delays in British airports, despite the fact that all the “terrorists” were arrested, throwing any plans they had into disarray, and destroying completely the possibility of any more attacks, the government decided to “Keep the public scared. After all a frightened public is a distracted public”.
Mr Reid said the Government had been responding to "extraordinary circumstances", with a plan to blow up multiple aircraft believed to have been imminent. And that CONSTANT VIGILANCE! was required to defeat the terrorists. Mr Reid admitted to spying on his neighbours to make sure they weren’t evil. And advised other people to do the same.
Britain was put on "critical" alert - the highest level of terror paranoia - up from "severe", early on Thursday morning as police launched raids in London, Birmingham and High Wycombe, Bucks. Mr Reid told the BBC News 24 Sunday programme today: "Even if on the basis of our intelligence ... we reduced from 'critical' to 'severe' ... it is highly likely there will be another terrorist attempt and that is one thing of which we can be sure. Well I say sure, we have no idea if it’s ever going to actually happen.”
Responding to a report in The Observer that "up to two dozen" terror inquisitions were operating across the country, the Home Secretary said that there could also be unknown threats. "We know that there a large number of, discarded banana skins out there. I'm not going to confirm an exact number; I prefer to be incredibly vague. But we do know that some, were left by terrorists.”
“But I wouldn't deny that that something is happening. There are a number of major conspiracy theories that we are trying to look at, are the terrorists Martian? Was Elvis involved? We don’t know, but we’ll damn well find out.”
"There would be more which are not at the centre of our considerations and there may be more that we don't know about at all."
Asked how many terror plots capable of causing major loss of life had been foiled since July 7 last year, he said: "I can tell you that at least four, or five, or ten, yes ten major plots have been thwarted, because of CONSTANT VIGLIANCE!."
He also warned that despite the police operation, members of the alleged terror ring could still be "Out there in the darkness…waiting". And that we should all be “very, very scared” “I pissed myself last night, with fear, that’s how seriously I take my vague suspicions.”
"We believe it was a major, major plot," he said. "We believe ... that we have the main targets from that particular surveillance and plot, We believe there are still people out there who would carry out such attacks. We believe unicorns might exist, but we can’t prove it"