UnNews:Tensions mount between dead Austrian Rap legend and plate of polenta, onlookers annoyed
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Tensions mount between dead Austrian Rap legend and plate of polenta, onlookers annoyed
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 29, 2016, 13:38:UTC)(
13 August 2006
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KLAGENFURT, Austria -- Yesterday, the dead creator of Rock Me Amadeus publicly threw a plate of polenta against a café wall, annoying the other patrons and generally making a mess of things. Nobody quite knew why Falco, a pioneer of Austrian rap music who has been dead since 1998, rose from the grave merely to sit in a café and bicker with cornmeal foodstuffs, but many claimed that the polenta started it.
"The polenta was egging him on, telling him that his frilly shirt was valueless and not long enough," claimed Gunny Klimt, cymbal-crashing feral cat petter and town strumpet. "Frodo just sorta gave that polenta this look, you know, like he was gonna really eat it or something. I mean, people don't actually eat that stuff, do they?" When Mr. Klimt was informed that the undead fellow's name was Falco, not Frodo, and that yes, people do really eat polenta, just not in any civilized nations, he pulled up his elegant golden robes, mooned two women, and quickly pranced away.
"That's when that puffy-shirted pansy picked up that plate of polenta and pelted the paneled partition," said world-reknowned Austrian alliterati Alfred Adler. But Erwin Humdinger disagreed and said that it was the polenta that threw Falco against the wall, but because people were watching everything got all fucked up, or something. Actually, nobody was quite sure what he was talking about. No matter who threw who, everyone agreed that the whole disagreement was rather silly. "I nearly kicked them both out," café barrista Ernst Spang said. "But then I thought, who else are we gonna laugh at?"
Fellow non-American pop music legends Taco, Charo, Yello, Banjo, Blotto, and Blue Rondo a la Turk were all available for comment, as was Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho, but nobody actually asked them to say anything. Charo added a "Cuchi-Cuchi" anyway.