User:DJ Irreverent/UnNews:Tennessee Prohibits Evolution, Townsfolk Rejoice
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DJ Irreverent/UnNews:Tennessee Prohibits Evolution, Townsfolk Rejoice
Straight talk, from straight faces
Tuesday, May 31, 2016, 12:04:UTC)(
9 March 2008
Dateline: Dayton, Tennessee —- In response to the findings of the notorious Scopes v. State trial, Tennessee lawmakers have passed legislation outlawing evolution, the highly controversial practice responsible for the formation and diversity of species.
A large crowd gathered on the steps of the Dayton mayor's office to hear the long awaited news. Governor Larson addressed the gathering from the mayoral pedestal, "Any practice that denies the God given word of Divine Creation of man, as taught in the Bible, should not be allowed in this here fine state of Tennessee!" The diverse crowd, ranging from tobacco farmers to turnip farmers, listened intently to every word, only pausing to take pot shots at a passing family of 'coons.
"From this day forward, the streets, forests, rivers, and swamps of God's great state of Tennessee will be safe from the godless practice of evolution, and species will be able to pro-cre-ate without deviating from God's intended design," bellowed State Senator Bud Eckhart. "This is about pro-tecting the integritay of all creation." As the law was announced, gunshots of celebration rang out from the slack jawed crowd, followed by copious amounts of ma's special brew moonshine.
The jovial mood was quickly broken though as local youths claimed they had "seen some squirrels evolvin' behind the schoolhouse", proving the first test of the new law and locals' birthday pitchforks.
The sweeping new law, effective immediately, prohibits all of God's creatures within Tennessee state borders from being born with genetic mutations that could make them better suited to evading predators, continuing the species or adapting to a changing habitat. In addition, it bars the formation of resistance to any disease, malady or plague willed by God to strike down that particular organism.
From the largest of whales to the smallest of intestinal parasites, if even one cell is found to be mutating it will be "...punished to the full extent of the law." This punishment varies from fines, rehabilitation programs too imprisonment and, in extreme cases, a total ban of reproduction.
Particular attention will be paid to bacteria and other micro-organisms who seem to have a pathological urge to evolve. These are believed by many to be the root of the current evolution problem, as highlighted in large amounts of fossil evidence.
Townsfolk had become more and more suspicious of evolutionary activities taking place within the community since the outlawing of teaching such ungodly things in school. An alarming trend of evolution had been observed in the younger population of the state, best summed up in the words of one elderly resident, "Dang kids and their dang evolving! Back in my day we just died when we caught the flu, now all these youngun's are developing antibodies goddarnit! My pah woulda whooped me half way to Kansas if I even thought 'bout doin' that!"
"If God wanted only the strong species to survive then why did he make the French?" objected local public school teacher Mary-Lou. "I think our lord, bless himself, likes things just the way they are, thank you very much. This evolution thing... it's just not natural." She was later seen accepting a marriage proposal from her first cousin.
Although the full impact of the new law will likely not be felt for around 5 million years, most Tennesseans say they are relieved that the ruling went into effect this week, claiming that evolution has gone too far already, creating (in the words of one responder) such abominations as "...the giraffe, 'coons and the French."Some warn that the ramifications of the law could have a deleterious effect on Tennessee' mostly agricultural economy, prohibiting all forms of adaptation and leaving crop plantations under threat from all manner of bights and maladies. To these so called "pansies" Governor Larson hit back "Us Tennesseans are a proud lot, we have seen our fair share of hardship; floods, disease, country music. But iff'n you read the Good Book you will find that all these plagues and hardships come because we deserve it, God can see when you get overlay affectionate with a member of the ovine species..." the governor then went on to say that if any plant was caught producing antibodies the whole plantation would be torn up and the farmer jailed for a minimum of 5 harmonica playing years.
Despite this, many Tennessean tobacco companies are fearful that this may disrupt innovation in the very competitive tobacco market. "People are wanting smoother and smoother tobacco... lets not even talk about flavor, cross breeding the only way to get this... there is only so much tar we can add," pleaded failed tobacco executive J.D. Tippin, "Looks like I'll have to move into the dust industry... it looks like its on the way up." However, others have seen the opportunity in the new legislation, "By gawd, now I can market Evolution Free tobacco for 20 dollars more!" exclaimed H.R. Pennitaker, before jumping out the window as a siren approached.
When asked by another reporter whether organisms were actually born the way God intended them to be, Governor Larson simply responded by spitting into the governmental spittoon. The reporter was last seen being pursued by a pitchfork wielding lynch mob.
Whether this ruling was just to create publicity or not is undecided, despite the fact banjo sales have skyrocketed and annual visitation to Dayton has tripled to 3 since the ruling. When asked, Governor Larson simply responded "Maybe people just want to come to a place where people respect God's true word, or maybe their Studebaker just broke down... either way it is good for Tennessee."