UnNews:Ten most disturbing films ever?
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10 April 2009
THE INTERNETS, Cyberspace -- Popular website Infobarrel has just published a list of what they consider to be the most disturbing films ever made, movies which they claim "will change you, and not for the better." Ever eager to avoid doing anything that might possibly be construed as actual work, your UnNews editorial team got down to the local Blockbuster's video store where we rented them all and bought a ton of popcorn along with several gallons of Haagen-Daz on staff expenses prior to spending the day watching them. Maybe it's because we spend too much time over on Encyclopedia Dramatica, or maybe it's just that to be a regular Uncyclopedia writer you need to be at least slightly mentally unstable - either way, we found ourselves distinctly non-disturbed and not very impressed.
Infobarrel's list is as follows:
- A Clockwork Orange - droogs kill stuff
- Hard Candy - kidd kills stuff
- Ichi The Killer - Yakuza kill stuff
- The Hills Have Eyes - mutants kill stuff
- Audition - Cute Oriental girl kills stuff
- Oldboy - not-cute Oriental man kills stuff
- I Spit On Your Grave - woman kills stuff
- Cannibal Holocaust - cannibals kill stuff (including a turtle)
- Men Behind The Sun - Japanese people kill all sorts of stuff
- Salo - Italian fascists kill stuff
Naturally, we thought we could do better. So we got in contact with a certain Uncyclopedian known to have unusual tastes and asked if we might be able to have a look through the secret video collection he keeps hidden in his cellar and borrowed a few choice titles. Then, we stocked up on more popcorn and ice cream along with a few family-size bags of tortillas and a 24 pack of beers, returned to the video conference suite on the top floor of UnNews Towers and compiled the following list of our own:
- Dirt Pipe Milkshakes - Now there's a milkshake that'll bring only those boys with very specialist interests to your yard
- Cum Fart Cocktails - not unlike Two Girls, One Cup; but over an hour long. Leaves a funny taste in the mouth
- Midget Fuckers - 'nuff said
- The Anal Girls of Tobacco Road 2 - Vagina Slimes - jeez, get that poor girl some Canesten
- Sex Starved Fuck Sluts - Stinky White Girls - if this is your sort of thing, you really ought to go to a rock festival. You'll love it
- One Fell Into The Poo-poo's Nest - you have to love the way porn titles tell you precisely what the film's going to be about
- Airtight Granny - my granny only gave me cake and biscuits. Thank God for that
- Titallica - Master of Puppies - Lassie, in later years, had to turn to low-rate films to make ends meet
- Crack Whores Of The Tenderloin - crack whores. Mmm. Best thing about crack whores? They do it for small change. Small change is virtually free - that means they're virtually not whores at all
- Don't Tell Mommy! - as if the title isn't disturbing enough in its own right, 40 year-old women with lollipops? That ain't right
Needless to say, they'll be returned to their owner. Right after we've made copies.