UnNews:Television commentators stock up with clichés for World Cup Final today

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11 July 2010

Commentator10

A list of cliches are made ready for the commentator for today's game.

JOHANNESBURG, South Africa -- Top television football commentators are said to be ready for today's World Cup final with reams of ready-to-mouth clichés for the match between Holland and Spain at the Soccer City Stadium, Johannesburg in South Africa.

Using all the tools they have available in their professions, experienced commentators of football have searched for every scrap of information about the two countries involved in the final to help act as 'filler'. Viewers and listeners should therefore expect some of these comments and views to help them if the game looks like it needs an an extra verbal push to keep people watching.

For the Holland team, expect to hear some of these:

  • Holland are going to need plenty of Dutch courage tonight.
  • If the Dutch pull their finger out of the dyke, their defence will be overrun by Spain.
  • I see the Dutch captain is arguing with the referee. I say he's Edam Cheesed them off.
  • There are so many Spanish players in the Dutch box, it's as busy as the Red Light district of Amsterdam.
  • Holland's historical hero may be 'William the Silent but I think their manager is making up for it now on the touchline.
  • That chance was so easy, Anne Frank could have toe poked it in.

For the Spanish team, the commentators have been equally busy with these ones to throw in:-

  • Spain are bearing down on the Dutch back four like the Armada on heat.
  • After that miss, expect the inquisition for that player come half time.
  • He was like a Spanish bull in the china shop then.
  • It's like a scene from a Goya painting. A total massacre.
  • The substitute came on and looked around him like a conquistador surveying a new land to conquer
  • Well you know how the Spanish treated that heretical bit of play. Burnt you at the stake.

Producers of the shows that intend to broadcast the match live say they have asked all their commentators to steer clear of clichés. They say the cliche quota is up at this year's World Cup final but blame the weather for this. A FIFA spokesman said:-

"Yes we deplore television resorting to old stereotypes when they start describing the game. However there is a good reason for this. Normally when not much is going in a game, the cameras usually look out for the young women wearing bikinis and dancing. But it is winter and cold right now, so the usual display of free and expressive female flesh has been very much down as a result. We hope to improve this in 2014 when the World Cup is held in Brazil."

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