|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
3 August 2008
"Though many have suggested that I pursue this particular path of action," she said in a statement last Monday, "I absolutely will not do such a thing, as I feel it is below me." Mrs. Davidson also mentioned that she was unsure as to why so many people told her to fuck off, as she couldn't recall doing anything to them personally. "I just want to tell the nice people about the weight loss program," she said. "Weight loss is good, and it makes people proud of themselves. Why do they hate me so?"
Twenty three year old Matthias Gordon was eager to provide an answer to this question when Cindy called him to advertise her product. "Fuck you, telemarketers," he said, Doritos spilling out of his mouth as he spoke. "You always call right during the middle of shit. Like, important shit. Just fuck off, nobody likes you." Mr. Gordon then returned to the Spongebob marathon he was watching, at peace once again.
Despite these setbacks, Cindy is determined not to let it get to her. "If I can just make one person get off their ass and lose weight," she said, "I will consider my job complete." At press time, this goal had not yet been met.