UnNews:Teen suicide baffles neighborhood and internet sites
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Teen suicide baffles neighborhood and internet sites
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, November 29, 2015, 12:43:UTC)(
7 September 2007
WHITEFORD FALLS, CONNECTICUT - At 9:37 AM this morning, the dead body of sixteen year old Pat Williamson was discovered in his/her bathroom. The body was clutching an empty bottle of prescription Advil in both his/her hands, and the coroner's report has confirmed an overdose of Ibuprofen was the cause of death. As if to make the already blatantly apparent cause of death even more unnecessarily obvious, the boy-girl-thing left several messages on various websites saying (s)he was going to kill him/herself via Advil overdose.
However, the question on everybody's mind isn't "Why would Pat kill herself/himself?", as the answer to that is crystal clear. Pat, a 4'11" and 270 lb hermaphrodite born illegitimately from one of his extremely white father's many minority mistresses, was constantly beat by his/her parents and bullied by classmates. In fact, its family would often collaborate with its schoolmates and schedule massive attacks on the poor kid.
"What can I say, it was just too soft and fat to not mercilessly beat to a pulp," admitted its father Whitey Williamson VII, referring to Pat as "it". William, who didn't hesitate to let us know he and his wife Laura both came from a long line of wealthy Williamsons as he brushed the lint off his expensive velvet smoking jacket, was completely unmoved by its suicide. "When I heard the news, I was in the middle of getting a massage from a nice Black intern at my private spa. I had to call off my ham and cheese luncheon just to look at the little weirdo's dead body, and I still regret that decision to this day."
In fact, the only concern of the entire town, as well as the websites Pat contacted, has to do with the method that Pat used to kill him/herself.
"I always knew he/she was dumber than a donkey with Asperger's," said his/her Special Education teacher James Burke, "but what the hell? Sixty Advil? Why the hell didn't she/he just take eight Aleve?"
Yes, the question on everyone's mind is why she/he bothered to take so much Advil when he could have taken much less Aleve. The responses to his/her suicide note on all the sites he/she posted on carried a universal opinion: "Dude/dudette, why didn't you just take Aleve? It's totally a much better value, man. You get, like, more for your money" and "It's much more 3conomical to have used a t1ny sliv3r of a single Al3v3 bottle than to deplete two whole 4dvils, n00b" were just some of the comments.
The town pharmacist pitched his own thoughts into the pot as well. His opinion was the the same as anyone else's, but took it one step further. The comments he supplied were borderline commercial:
|Why am I supposed to be happy, yet I'm not? Sure, his/her decision to buy Advil instead of Aleve got me plenty extra dough, but that's not the point. The point is that if she wanted to end the pain that is her life, she should have ended it with a superior pain reliever. It has been scientifically proven that Aleve is roughly twenty times stronger than Advil, and in doses of six and up, has enough power to put a manatee to sleep forever. And for only $9.40 a bottle too, without a prescription; anyone can get that much amazing pain relief for such little cost and hassle, but the twerp decided to go with The Leading Brand.|
William Williamson offered to bury with Pat his own favorite handgun. When asked why, he simply stated: "I want that little bastard to know that if it ever wanted to die, she could have just come to me and asked instead of using fucking Advil."