UnNews:Ted Stevens leaves mortal body to become one with Internet
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Ted Stevens leaves mortal body to become one with Internet
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 31, 2015, 22:23:UTC)(
12 August 2010
JUNEAU, Alaska -- Ex-Senator Ted Stevens has deemed physical life on Earth unfit for him. The man who patiently explained to Congress that "the Internet is not something that you just dump something on. It's not a big truck. It's a series of tubes" died in the crash of a private plane.
The plane, hijacked by snakes, went on a collision course to Sarah Palin's house, from which you can see foreign countries. Stevens evidently had foreseen this outcome and, as the plane was nearing its final destination, the Senator pulled out a personal Internet and attached the series of tubes to himself. Just when the plane was about to crash, however, the snakes, being very bad pilots due to lack of limbs, accidentally steered away, completely missing Palin's house and hitting Mt. McKinley.
At the crash site, investigators found a "personal Internet" inside Ted Stevens' body. They presumed he had undergone a soul transfer to the Internet. Several others also succumbed in the crash, including a lobbyist, an Anchorage communications executive, her teenage daughter, and incidentally, the pilot.
During a further investigation, conducted in an Omegle chatroom, Stevens showed himself (with "Stranger" somehow changed to "Stevens," perhaps demonstrating his new power), and explained the situation in full detail. "I was sitting at my seat, when suddenly, this massive series of snakes crept out from the overhead compartments, constricted the pilots, and hijacked the plane", Stevens chatted. He also stated that he predicted this would occur via the World Wide Web, and used it to his advantage. When asked about the iPhone inside his rectum, he simply said it was all part of the fusing. "It's amazing how it feels now", Stevens said. "I've got instant access to any source of information in the world. I can even retrieve people's IPs. I see one now. He's jerking off to furries. What is he, 12? These people are massively invading this world of the Internet."
The U.S. Government is concerned about this new fusion and is contemplating the implications for national defense. Defense Secretary Gates said, "With his near-omniscience, he could take over the world." In such a case, the FBI would use trucks to clog the series of tubes with useless data, such as the location of Osama bin Laden, the schematics for warp drives, files regarding alien races, and similar useless material.