UnNews:Ted Kennedy ties in battle with brain cancer; dies pulling it into abyss with him
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Ted Kennedy ties in battle with brain cancer; dies pulling it into abyss with him
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, September 27, 2016, 22:30:UTC)(
26 August 2009
Hyannis Port, Massachusetts - Senator Ted Kennedy, age 77, died in his battle with brain cancer late Tuesday night. Authorities found the bodies of the man known as the Lion of the Senate, and the disease that plagued his family for centuries, hurtling downward into a deep ravine located two and a half miles from his home. Police identified a sharp-tipped cane and numerous scuffed footprints belonging to the senator, indicating that Kennedy had put up a fierce battle with his assassin.
Claw marks scraped along the edge of the ravine, and the official story is that after having kicked the tumor over the cliff, it grabbed onto Kennedy's pants leg and dragged him into the abyss below. With the assistance of professional rock climbers, detectives were able to fish remnants of photographs scattered over rocks on the interior wall of the ravine. They show a brain cancer tumor both shaking hands with Jack Ruby in 1963, and most recently training for an earlier attempt on Ted Kennedy's life in May of 2008.
During his 45 year career in the Senate, Kennedy served as chairman of the Labor, Education, Judiciary, Pensions, and Health committees. He wrote a book titled In Critical Condition: The Crisis in America’s Health Care and was a leading fighter for equal rights, minimum wage, and healthcare reform. Brain cancer makes up 1.4% of all cancer cases; it is hoped that his loved ones will find solace in his sacrifice to defeat this most malevolent antagonist.