UnNews:Ted Haggard declared "completely heterosexual"
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Ted Haggard declared "completely heterosexual"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 22, 2015, 12:02 (UTC)
6 February 2007
DENVER, Colorado, Tuesday (UNN) — One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is completely heterosexual.
"If we're going to be proved wrong, somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly," the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur said. "We're into this thing over 90 days and it hasn't happened.
"He really is completely heterosexual. That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing.
"I pulled down my pants," added Ralph, "and waved my wanger at him, and he refused to suck it. He even averted his eyes. And you should have seen him at Hooters, ogling the waitresses. I'm very proud of him."
Ralph gazed wistfully at Haggard's buttocks, sighed and said, "I'm going to miss our time together."