UnNews:Tearful Hillary Clinton loses Miss South Carolina pageant
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26 January 2008
CHARLESTON, South Carolina -- After winning first place in pageants in New Hampshire and Nevada, a tearful Hillary "Uterus" Clinton had to settle for runner-up status in the South Carolina event on Saturday. The dazzling Miss Obama edged out Clinton for the win in the closely-fought contest. Struggling to maintain a poised smile after results were announced, Miss Clinton vowed to get a makeover and compete in other states. "I still have a chance to be Miss U.S.A.!" she boldly claimed.
Allegations of racism marred the pageant, with many saying that Miss Obama only won because South Carolina has many black judges. The lady dismissed such notions, however, asserting that "my beauty transcends all races. Whether you are white, black, hispanic, or 'other', anyone can appreciate my toned and muscular physique." The victory was a big relief for Miss Obama after a disappointing showing in Las Vegas, which she attributed to "a heavy night of drinking and gambling" before the pageant there.
Judges were particularly disappointed in Miss Clinton's performance during the talent portion of the show, in which her off-key singing of the national anthem failed to compensate for a masterfully choreographed cheerleading performance earlier in the night. In contrast, Miss Obama's juggling and magic acts went flawlessly. A card trick in which Obama pulled the race card out of the deck on his first try clearly impressed the judges.
The only other major contender for the crown in South Carolina was Miss Edwards. Despite a fifteen hundred dollar haircut shortly before the pageant, she failed to win the judges' approval. Speaking in her distinct southern drawl, the contestant was nevertheless undeterred saying, "it's alright y'all. I'm gonna keep going to all the pageants until the big one this summer." The statement referred to a Denver pageant in which the Democratic Alliance of Ladies will select its nominee for the Miss U.S.A. contest in November. The competing Republican Alliance of Ladies is still far from selecting a nominee as well, but an upcoming pageant in Florida will be a big step. The dashing Miss Giuliani from New York has high hopes, but expectations are that the elderly judges of the Sunshine State will select the stately, white-haired Miss McCain.