UnNews:Team Canada on Track to Acheive Olympic Goal of 0 Medals
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Team Canada on Track to Acheive Olympic Goal of 0 Medals
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 31, 2016, 22:05:UTC)(
13 August 2008
Team Canada has already achieved its Olympic goal of zero medals in Beijing this summer, and is looking to maintain that record throughout the remainder of the games. In a news conference last night, Team Canada coaches stated, "We’re not actually trying. We’re saving all of our collective talent for the Vancouver 2010 games when it won't be so ridiculously hot outside."
Keith Beavers, a non-medal hopeful, impressed Canadians by missing the final in the men’s 200 metre backstroke, a feat that coaches were concerned he might pull off. “We were looking for a seventh or eighth place finish for Keith, but he has exceeded our expectations and kept our non-medal hopes alive,” was the reaction at the media address.
Beavers also stated in a later interview, "I could beat Michael Phelps if I wanted to, but I would rather beat him on the bobsled track." Phelps declined to comment.
Some athletes, however, denied that zero was the goal. "It's not a goal per se," said Mike Brown, who missed a medal in the 200 metre breaststroke by 9/100ths of a second. "It's a protest. We think the games are too competitive, so we've decided to boycott medals. In fact, I was about to get the gold in the 200m, but decided to hold back in a show of solidarity with others who believe the Olympic Games have been reduced to nothing more than a big competition."
"Even if I won a medal, I wouldn't accept it," said Bellie Flopp, a diver who came 41st out of 42 in qualifying, "That's how strong my beliefs are." Flopp, who plans to compete in London in 2012, said her protest was only limited to the Beijing Games. "I'll have made my point. Should I be a medal contender four years from now, I'll be a good sport about it and accept a medal." She also plans to marry in the meantime so that she can change her name.
As of the end of competition on day six Thursday, 33 nations had medals, including such powerhouses as Togo, Armenia, and Tajikstan. However, Canada is only 22 gold medals, and 35 total medals behind China, a nation with 1.3 billion more potential athletes. "When you consider the competition," one coach commented, "we're really doing rather well." One Canadian official, who only spoke under condition of strict anonymity, put it all in perspective. "Our main goal is to improve between now and the 2010 Winter Games. By achieving zero medals so far, we unquestionably have taken the first step toward that goal."
- Freestyle Beaver "[ Team Canada on Track to Acheive Olympic Goal of 0 Medals]". Wikinews, August 13, 2008