|This article is part of UnNews||Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard|
28 February 2008
BARFBAG, Ohio -- A kindergarten student with a freshly spiked mohawk was recently suspended from school because teachers asserted that his haircut posed an unacceptable safety hazard to other, normally shaped students.
"We suspended this child for the same reason we suspended Sally Pepperkins last year (her nose was too pointy)," says the principal of the school, "Young Bryan...or is his name Billy...whatever the little turd's name was...his hair posed an unacceptable threat to other students. It was all sharp and pointy. If he were to run into someone at about 80 miles per hour, he might have seriously injured them, or at the very least, annoyed them. So we did what any respectable school organization would do...we kicked him out on his ass!"
The school enforces a rigid dress code in which students strap brown pillowcases to themselves. Any nonconformity is seen as a serious breach of rules, and immediately punished by any punishment from suspension to branding. Bryan Turkins, a new student to the school, was in the building for a total of five seconds with his new mohawk before being tackled by a group of security guards who dragged him to the main office.
"This was his second infraction in just one week," says the principal, "We had him sent home early from school last week after he violated one of the most important parts of our Anti-Independent Thought Decree by saying he didn't like the school's shepherd's pie. The pie here is awesome. What a dumbass."
Many reporters have gathered around the home of Bryan, who, because of being suspended, has been cruelly forced to play video games and eat candy all day instead of sitting in school and doing multiplication tables and getting verbally abused.
One reporter asked Billy, "So, what exactly prompted you to get a mohawk? A desire to symbolically speak out against the mindset of your institution, the mindset of completely mindless conformity? A way of symbolically sticking it to the system and telling the world that you're not ready to lock-step in with everyone else and become yet another pillar of mediocrity?"