UnNews:Tanks 'absolutely needed' for Northern Command
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Tanks 'absolutely needed' for Northern Command
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, March 19, 2018, 15:37:UTC)(
13 October 2008
Wack-A-Mole Station, Pentagon George W. Bush deployed tanks and soldiers to the entirety of North America today to combat the growing terrorist threat in Texas. The Northern Command's initial deployment cost of $700 billion was quickly justified as the strike force freed political prisoners throughout the US, Canada and Mexico. Citizens who had been previously terrorized came streaming out of illegal prisons set up since the beginning of the war and danced in the streets tasting freedom for the first time since 1945.
"Mein Gobbels!" shouted a teary-eyed Hitler as he rushed into the arms of his former lover "Mein tanks ist wunderbar! Seig Heil!" Stalin looked on with amusement, rubbing his eyes and blinking at the sunlight. Other militant fascists were free to come and go as they pleased, as long as they were driving a tank and don't resemble a terrorist in any way as regarded from a distance through night-vision goggles. During the day.
Purchasing your own highly fuel-efficient tank to prevent terrorism is now regarded as fashionable. The previously abandoned "gold standard" will be re-introduced as the "tank standard" allowing even the most impoverished citizens to pool their money for their own anti-terrorist tank.
Peaceful gatherings to protest to militarization of America have begun in various 'splinter cells'. Some of these unruly citizens are planning to peacefully 'vote' anyway at several designated locations in the heartland of America. "Don't worry," assured non-lethal weapons and fire hose specialist Mean Guy "none of dem terrorists gonna vote this year. We hold da line."
- Adolf Hitler "Surprise!". Northern Fascist Pre-emptive Mass Destruction Mechanisms, 1935