UnNews:Tang Not Going to Space with Chinese Astronauts
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Tang Not Going to Space with Chinese Astronauts
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, October 21, 2016, 23:59:UTC)(
25 September 2008
Shanghai, China Chinese Astronauts will not be going to space with the traditional American space-beverage "Tang". Chinese Authorities have issued the following statement; "Although the instant orange flavored breakfast drink is an American Astronaut tradition, Chinese Astronauts will not be taking it into space for next week's historical space walk. The word 'Tang' we feel, is a derogatory term for the Chinese People and we would prefer it not be used."
"Dang it all to hell!" was the response of General Mills Chief Manufacturing Operations Manager Dale Ruffian, the American producer of the Tang Instant Breakfast drink. "Don't they know that it ain't a vulgar word? 'Poon-Tang'-now that's a vulgar word. It's means "pussy". Here, let me use it in a sentence for ya'all- 'The Chinese Astronauts are a bunch of Poon-Tangs!' There!"
Immediately after Dales removal from the position of Spokeshole for General Mills, General Mills released the following revised statement; "General Mills would like to apologize for the statements of Mr. Ruffian. His statements were premature and insensitive, and prematurity and insensitivity are not qualities General Mills endorses. General Mills will look to changing the name if it's instant breakfast drink to accomodate the culture of the Chinese people worldwide. General Mills takes seriously the Chinese people and will not poke fun at any culturally sensitive Chinese verbage."
The Chinese are now entering their own space age, thus bringing about a new sense of national pride. Marketers are eager to capitalize on the new sense of Chinese Nationalism that has begun to sweep the country, and no firm wishes to run the risk of being left out from something as simple as a small misunderstanding or a sign of insensitivity. The Chinese have been long known to break business contacts at the slightest perception of egg on their faces. Laughing at a Chinese man is next to a mortal sin in that country, so as the Chinese Space Program heats up, it is hoped that companies on good terms will seek to sponsor the Chinese Exporation of Space and jockey for well placed advertisements.
The Chinese Astronauts consist of three Colonels: Colonel Ho, Colonel Ha, and Colonel Hee. Ho and Ha are both Engineers with Medical and Microbiological emphases, and Hee is a Endocrinologist. Ho, Ha, and Hee will be growing bacteria and observing the effects of weightlessness on the growth of the bacteria's leading edges. This in an attempt to synthesize a antibacterial antibiotic pervious to phospholipid bi-layers.
The three have been training for the last 10 years for this flight, the first ever by Chinese Scientists. A formal dinner at the Governor's Palace in Shanghai occurred last week, with the family members of the Astronauts Present. Mr. Ho and Mr. Ha invited their extended family: Mrs. Ho, Grandfather Ho, Grandmother Ho, Brother and unmarried sister Miss Ho., and two newphews; Mr. Ho and Mr. Ho. Mr. Ha too invited his Grandparents on both sides, as well as his wife and children. Col. Hee's Wife was unable to attend, however his two brothers, Mr. Hee and Mr. Hee joined him, as did their children. Those family members in attendance included: Ho Ho Ha, Ho Ho Ha, Ho Ho Ho Ho Ha, Hee Ho Ho Ho Ha Hee Hee Hee. It was a fun bunch once the liquor poured, you really should have been there.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|