UnNews:Tampa Police Nab Dangerous Youth Criminal Mastermind
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Tampa Police Nab Dangerous Youth Criminal Mastermind
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 30, 2016, 08:47:UTC)(
16 February 2009
The boy, whose name we cannot give out (but let's just say that the last name begins with "Sm" rhymes with "Slith"), was removed by officers after throwing a giant temper-tantrum because the girl who sat next to him spilled his milk during recess.
The youthful Smith, an ever-present and growing danger in the school system (and America at large) was taken into custody by police and quarantined overnight at a mental-health facility. In the morning, he spoke long and eloquently to mental-health professionals, explaining the situation.
During the interview, which lasted 16 minutes, 7 year-old Smith, a self-described anarchist, explained that his tantrum was part of a greater plan to disrupt the country's infrastructure in-order to bring it to its knees, bring attention to the plight of children around the world and to make his teacher pay for all of the times he had received time-out so far this year.
While the parents maintain that their son is innocent of all charges and simply "misunderstood", police say that they later served a search warrant and ransacked the family home. During the execution of the warrant, authorities found all sorts of documents that extrapolated on Smith's evil wiles and plans.
Most notable and damning is the fact that the authorities found Smith's "manifesto", a 6 page booklet written in black, green, purple, and red crayons. In this manifesto, Smith threatens more temper-tantrums if himself and other children are not all given two-hours a day to play Mario Kart (or another video game of their choosing) for the Nintendo Wii, offered chocolate milk in school lunches, or allowed to be MySpace friends with Sasha and Maliya Obama.
Since the the documents mentioned The Obama Family by name, they were handed over to the United States Secret Service, who will be doing their own investigation into this criminal mastermind.
Principal Victoria, the boy's administrator, said that during the tantrum, he destroyed nine textbooks, threw a milk carton at the blackboard, tickled a school administrator, and stepped on his teacher's foot, cracking her toe nail and causing a viciously painful hang-nail.
The teacher was rushed by emergency service personnel to the emergency room of a nearby hospital. Tom O'Connor, police department spokesperson, says that the teacher is in critical, but stable condition at this hour.
Sgt. O'Connor also said "The Largo Police Department is happy to announce that we've taken off of the streets one of the most deranged criminal masterminds that we've seen in many years. This boy, in both tenacity, bravado, and violence, ranks right up there with the likes of John W. Hinckley Jr. and Timonthy McVeigh".
Police are investigating the entire incident, and no actual charges have been filed yet.