UnNews:Talks fail to stop war commemoration
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Talks fail to stop war commemoration
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, February 26, 2017, 04:30:UTC)(
4 August 2014
LONDON, United Kingdom -- Military experts are confidently predicting that the commemorations of the start of World War One will be finished 'by Christmas.' After last-ditch attempts to prevent the flood of newspapers, books, TV shows, gloomy documentaries, and sing-songs failed, European leaders finally gave up and started to kiss and hold hands.
As the Big Angie boomed her political guns in the direction of Belgium — and how she would have really preferred to stay skinnydipping in the Baltic Sea than go to some 'reconciliation' event in Brussels! (or was it Ypres?) — a 24-hour blitz of righteous media reports ended all hopes that the anniversary of 1914 would be a quiet affair. All across Europe, special issues of newspapers and magazines were published — often reprinting their front pages and headlines of the days, like 'Hang the Kaiser,' 'Hang Mutton Chops face Franz-Josef,' 'Hang Winston Churchill,' and 'What now for the price of corsets?' Only in Russia has there been relative silence by order of President Vladimir Putin, who has gone on record blaming Britain and France for twice leaving his country to face Germany and her allies alone.
In London, dressed in khaki-coloured bathing trunks and wearing a Union Jack hat, Prime Minister David Cameron has asked everyone to 'turn the lights off' to mark Britain's declaration of war against
the European Union Germany.
I ask everyone in the British Empire to stick a lighted candle in their window to remember what happened this day 100 years ago. Then, this plucky little island and a quarter of the world coloured red on the maps was up against the ruthless Kaiser and his attempt to introduce compulsory umlauts and sauerkraut across Europe. But thanks to the Americans and the Japanese, we stood firm and closed our banks. A day to remember.
The leaders of the Commemorative Industry expert this carpet media coverage of the event will end by Christmas so that everyone can go home and prepare for the next great anniversary: The Battle of Waterloo in 1815.