UnNews:Talking whale informs captors of broken lightbulb

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2 December 2012

Whale talk

Nicky the Whale, a true freak of nature.

SAN DIEGO, California -- A new talking whale has been discovered by researchers in San Diego, 28 years after the first whale spoke in 1984. The researchers at the San Diego Whale Storage and Research Facility revealed today that one of their whales actually communicated intelligible words to a group of scientists, and furthermore what he said substantially improved the standard of living in the facility.

It was two days ago that researcher Aston Hoiflek was entering Confinement Tank C to do some maintenance on the building's TV cable, when from above him he heard a voice clearly say to him: "Er... Sorry to bother you, but I thought you all should know that one of the lights in the laboratory on the right has been flickering and buzzing for the past few days. I don't know if you knew, because nobody's done anything about it yet. Well, okay. Sorry for disturbing you." Hoiflek was considerably startled, and at first thought it had to have been one of his coworkers. However, when he came back up and inquired who had told him of the lightbulb, he was met with blank stares. It was only later that the team realized that it had in fact been the captive whale, Nicky the Whale, who had spoken to Hoiflek. The animal had been able to see into various rooms of the facility through large, plexiglass windows in the tank.

The facility's director later commented proudly on the discovery. "In 1984, a whale at this same facility garbled out a series of unintelligible words to the researchers, which sounded remarkably like human speech," he said, "but now we have Nicky the Whale, an animal that is fully capable of human speech." The researcher Hoiflek also said that the whale's voice had sounded quite normal, optimistic, and friendly, and was accented by a noticeable bubbling and slight gurgling. "Still," continued the facility's director, "it is also amazing that Nicky was watching out for us. The light he noted was indeed flickering, and it has been fixed by our electrician."

This remarkable discovery serves as stunning evidence that whales may not be as anti-social and indifferent as was once thought. The scientists at the facility plan to engage Nicky in more conversation in the near future, as he has not said anything lately. The researchers admit that he may have become slightly angry at them following his conversation with Hoiflek, as they accidentally dumped two gallons of cooking oil into his tank.


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