UnNews:Talking lion recruits child soldiers
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Talking lion recruits child soldiers
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 3, 2015, 00:35:UTC)(
12 March 2014
LONDON, U.K. -- Prime Minister David Cameron today confronted foreign King Aslan in the House of Commons. Aslan, a magical member of the genus Panthera, son of the Emperor Beyond-The-Seas, has caused controversy by using his influence in the Church of England to recruit child soldiers and dispatch them to fight a war in the nation state of Narnia, located in a separate world accessible only via magical portals.
Aslan's decision to recruit minors to fight a war against a foreign dictatorship is regarded by childcare services as ethically questionable. While children are not forcibly conscripted but invited to join voluntarily, child psychologists say that there is an element of brainwashing in a magical lion promising gifts to the nation's youth in order to persuade them to partake in violence. As a consequence, various magical wardrobes have caused traffic congestion across the UK,
Aslan has also been accused of supplying children with deadly weapons — including daggers and swords — which Knife Amnesty has aimed to prevent. The English Defence League were on the case, flooding the streets to protest a foreign leader's influence over the nation's youth with signs adorned with the phrase "Never Submit To Aslan." EDL leader Tommy Robinson (speaking from prison) said to BBC TV journalist Jeremy Paxman "Mate, Mr. Paxman, there is nothing more obscene than the concept of a foreign leader inciting British youth to violence", this whilst his fellow protesters took part in the EDL's "Bring Your Children to Work" Day which involves teaching the youth of the EDL life-skills such as bottle-throwing.
Narnia, previously an independent magical state, has been ruled autocratically by the Empress Jadis for the past century. Jadis, described by former President Ronald Reagan as "the White Witch of the Middle East," is referred to by partisan Media as "a power-mad dictator" and is accused by the UN of human rights violations such as turning political opponents into stone and plunging Narnia into a hundred years of winter, whilst engaging in religious persecution, such as banning of Christmas, along with passing legislation against Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve seeking asylum in her country. Jadis is also claimed to not be of Narnian origin but rather to be descended from the Royal Dynasty of Charn, a country known for its illegal wars against the principalities of Solois, Bramandin and Felinda. Jadis has also been tied to Al-Qaeda, has been accused of selling weapons to North Korea, and was allegedly complicit in the Lockerbie bombing. Jadis herself is known for her unorthodox state visit to the UK in 1955 during which she assaulted a police officer.
RESPECT MP George Galloway, however, has shown support for the Jadis regime and denounced Aslan as "a Zionist", "an imperialist", "a misogynist" and "a Western [...] puppet", saying that the rumours of Jadis's birth had been made up by Aslan supporters in the region. He also claims that Aslan has shown prejudice against the Calormenes in the region of Narnia who are just as entitled to the land as its other various residents. Mr. Galloway last month made a personal visit to Caer Paravel, Narnia's seat of government to commend Queen Jadis on her "Courage and indefatigability". The sorceress then allegedly attempted to transform the Scottish MP into stone for making up idiotic words, only to find that Mr. Galloway was so wet that even her considerable magical powers couldn't solidify him.
UKIP leader Nigel Farage has also shown support for the Jadis Administration, stating that it has "tight border controls" and that the British Government would do well to improve registration of the various magical wardrobes throughout the country which loosen border controls and make illegal immigration from Narnia easier. Prime Minister David Cameron today issued a statement describing Jadis's administration as "tyrannical" but also criticising Aslan's recruitment of child soldiers saying "What we need to make absolutely clear is that the Narnian people need to be released from a tyrannical rule however His Majesty King Aslan's handling of the situation is incorrect."
Mr. Cameron will meet with American dictator Barack Obama and Russian premier Vladimir Putin at the G8 Summit next month to discuss whether Queen Jadis has violated the terms of the Geneva Convention and the possibility of invading Narnia.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|