UnNews:Taliban sponsors beauty pageant, raising Islamic eyebrows
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Taliban sponsors beauty pageant, raising Islamic eyebrows
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, March 21, 2018, 11:55:UTC)(
3 July 2006
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KUNDUZ, Afghanistan -- In a conciliatory move to Muslims abroad, the Taliban announced today that it would sponsor the first Taliban Beauty Pageant. Ever since the formation of the Taliban in 1996, harsh criticism of their treatment of women has dogged their steps toward building a respectable status as the foremost exporter of terrorism. This move seems to be aimed at non-fanatical Muslims, particularly those poisoned by the Great Satan from the West (ie. George Bush).
The majority of contestants will be anonymous, knowing they'll get a reduced beating about the legs and minor concussion, rather than being stoned to death for shaming their villages. One of the brave girls who is competing nonymously agreed to communicate with reporters in front of a bombed-out stadium being renovated for the contest.
Abdinari Sinhamdal, a winner of several past Taliban Wench of the Year prizes, spoke through her brother and trainer, Mullah Muhammad Omar. "We've (the family) have been working as a unit, training Abdinari in cooking, housework, not speaking without a man's permission, covering herself in sheets, and keeping her opinions to herself," said Mullah Omar. " She takes a damned good beating, too." he added. "Look, not a mark on her."
Mullah Saifur Rehman,, long time supporter of female genital mutilation, understands non-Afghans views on women are different, but says, "We're men, like any other men, and we have needs. It's just that we keep our energies focused on Allah and Jihad, and away from disgusting women and their disgusting bodies. That is what makes us pure and deserving of those 95 virgins I keep hearing about."
"In truth, we have very little left of our national identity and dignity after so many years of war. The export of opium has gotten us through the lean years, but most profits go to warlords. Now in our time of nation building, we need economic gains to cut across all strata of our society. Terrorism is something anyone can do, from the most degenerate goat fucker to the most exalted (Islamic) scholar. Those called to Jihad will be swimming in virgins soon enough. Do not forget, though, that we must also appeal to the community of apostate Muslims, luring them into our evil clutches for mass conversion to TalibanThink."
"This will be the key to uniting Afganistan. If showing a little leg will keep us in the good graces of all Muslims, it will be a small price for a great prize."