UnNews:Taliban shoots Cheney
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Taliban shoots Cheney
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, December 4, 2016, 13:51:UTC)(
27 February 2007
Said Cheney, "I am so, so sorry for being hit by my fellow madmen. I wasn't obeying hunting etiquette, and I have nothing but respect for the Taliban. I'm so sorry I had to do this to him." Cheney was then escorted out of the FOXNews studio is tears, muttering something about "peace without victory" and other Wilsonian nonsense.
The Taliban said they accidentally hit several Americans besides Cheney while on the quail-hunting trip in Tora Bora. Cheney, who was on an unannounced visit to the region, is a good friend and political ally of the Taliban, a fundamentalist Muslim group not entirely unlike the American Republican Party. "We have no responsibility for this act, we are good friends, and I am not a killer," Taliban representative Mullah Omar said in an interview with FOXNews reporter Sean Hannity. The former dictator then quipped to moderate president Hamid Karzai and his Democrat-like minions "Go fuck yourselves. We Taliban will be greeted as liberators to the world as we make it safe for capitalism, fundamentalism, and oligarchy. Afghanistan has had too much of this liberal flip-flopping. I am a uniter, not a divider." He then proceeded to announce his candidacy in the 2008 U.S. Presidential election, adding "Giuliani, Romney, and McCain are all liberal, moderate flip-floppers who will lead America down a path of secularism, modernism, socialism, feminism, and abortion-on-demand. Support a real, true Republican: vote Omar!"
Although Omar has the support of GOP stalwarts like George W. Bush and Dick Cheney analysts foresee a lackluster campaign, as many voters will confuse the similarly terrorist-named duo of Omar and Democratic Negro Barack Obama. However, some hard-hitting FOXNews journalists have noted the fact that these analysts are ignoring the galactic power posed by Premier Cheney and believe that God's Own Party will continue to dominate United States politics well into the Millenium of Protestantism and laissez-faire economics following the Rapture and Armageddon.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|