UnNews:Taco Bell employee adds "secret ingredient" to menu

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5 June 2013

Tacoman01

Tongue lashings of saliva.

TACO BELL, USA – Thanks to Facebook and Twitter, we may never want to order another taco again. In a “disgusting photo,” a Taco Bell employee is shown adding a “secret ingredient” to the fast-food franchise's menu by licking a large stack of taco shells. The “eeewwwwww” factor, the fast-food restaurant spokesman's N. D. Gestion admits, is “off the charts.” Presumably, he means the financial charts: Taco Bell sales have taken a muff dive since the photograph appeared on the Internet.

The photo is believed to have been taken in California, “the land of fruits and nuts,” Gestion said, “but it could have been taken anywhere; our employees are known for their fondness for playing such pranks on their customers. They like to put a little of themselves into their work.”

Hi Jinx, the president of Taco Bell, which is owned by Yummy in Your Tummy Brands, a subsidiary of Gross Foods, speculated that the “prank is the result of employees with too much time on their hands,” and, he says, he has ordered management to review the duties of “low-lifelevel employees and to “add more work to their to-do lists.”

“After all,” he told Unnews reporter Lotta Lies, “we're paying these idiots minimum wage; we ought to be getting more fang for our fuck--I mean, more bang for our buck.”

The employee, Adam Smith, 22, whose name and age were not made available to Unnews, allegedly tweeted to a friend and fellow employee that he licked the taco shells because “they kind of look like pussies.” Twitter later changed the offensive term (“pussies”) to “vaginas.”

“Our restaurant's employees are not the only ones who engage in such pranks,” Gestion defended his employee's actions. "Earlier this year, our competitor, KFC, whose food can't compare to ours, fired a chick for licking mashed potatoes.”

In addition, "Booger King restaurants in the United Kingdom have been using horsemeat instead of cow meat in their hamburgers for years," Gestion said. "Nobody complains about that."

Smith says that “Taco Bell customers should get a life.” His photo is “hilarious,” he maintains. “They're overreacting. The picture is obviously intended as humorous. It was inspired, in fact, by Michael Douglas' claims that he got cancer by licking Katherine Zeta-Jones' 'taco.' Everybody thought his comments were laughable. My antics are, too.”

Gestion suggested that the act, although disgusting, is not all that serious. “After this incident, Taco Bell analyzed human saliva: it's actually mostly water, mucus, and enzymes, so, as a 'secret ingredient,' spit is actually sort of nutritious.” However, he admitted, the company denies that it is considering adding saliva to its menu as a “special sauce,” at least “not anytime soon.”

“The next time somebody asks, 'Do you want fries with that?',” the answer should be obvious, a Twitter user tweeted: “not without ketchup, and plenty of it!”

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