UnNews:Taco Bell defends its beef

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28 February 2011

29 tacos lgl

I don't see any additives, least of all rat's tails.

NEW YORK, New York -- Taco Bell has begun a $3 million TV advertising campaign in the wake of the lawsuit over its taco filling.

The campaign extends a print campaign with the tag-line, "Thank you for suing us." Studies found that only half of the customer base read the print ads, but company management feels confident that the other half are glued to the tube.

The lawsuit had claimed that Taco Bell's beef is only 35 percent beef and thus can't be called beef. Taco Bell asserted that the filling is 88 percent beef ("Here, just look at that grease!") and that the "signature recipe" additives that account for the other 12 percent are just as wholesome. "Sawdust, recycled coffee grounds, and post-consumer paper waste are good for the environment and provide roughage in the diet," said a spokesman.

Plaintiffs also claimed that the cows that provide the beef are mistreated. The company denied this as well, after shrewdly arguing that, if they really did provide only 35 percent of the taco filling, it would be that much less of a problem. Cows in the United States are slaughtered humanely, a company lawyer said, and American law requires that cows not realize they are being led to slaughterhouses, most of which have false fronts disguising them as cinemas.

Taco Bell is owned by a New York conglomerate, which is owned by China, probably; and, despite its name, is unrelated to the Mexican telephone monopoly. Its earnings statement, released earlier this month, admitted that the recent negative publicity had "impacted short-term earnings." In the fine print, it clarified that it produced more court filings than burritos in the period. However, management believes it will be possible to shred the former and use them in the latter, as the print ads offer a discount on a new product called the Eight-Layer Burrito.

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