UnNews:TZOD UPDATE: Washington's call to arms and bluescreen
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TZOD UPDATE: Washington's call to arms and bluescreen
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, February 22, 2017, 04:43:UTC)(
28 March 2009
WASHINGTON D.C., Maryland -- After the unimaginable devastation on New York as reported by Hanahana at The Time Zone of Death, America was in shock. Now with undeniable confirmation that Japan is indeed part of the conspiracy that is Earth Hour, Washington D.C. is getting busy. And it is recruiting help from the most unlikely of places.
"I am calling on Hollywood," said President Barack Obama, "to gather its forces and join the U.S. military to fight off these Japanese foes. It is a shame. God, I loved Astro Boy when it first came out of Japan. But this is a war. And when a foreign country comes to our land with their mechas and their fancy anime shit, we must respond with the full force of our Hollywood special effects."
"No problemo," replied Governator Arnold Schwarzeneggar. "Thair only a bunch of gurly men."
Even while The Time Zone of Death is currently debilitating Washington D.C. coordination to amass such a force, Hollywood producers have enlisted the help of two legendary special effects guys.
Adam Savage, "I reject your reality and substitute my own!"
Jamie Heineman, "Earth Hour? Plausible."
Between them, nearly 30 years special effects experience. With many impossible feats under their belt, including exploding diet cola bottles, walking vending machines and making smelly feet go away with Vodka, they have become the light and hope of a dark and down America.
From what sparse details UnNews was able to gather, Hollywood writers are drafting a spec script involving chainsaw madmen from Texas, killer asteroids from space, killer snakes on a plane and killer video tapes from the dead. Arguably, that last one was originally a Japanese invention, but Hollywood has said it was willing to make compromises.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|