UnNews:TZOD UPDATE: UnNews Australian correspondent dead?
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TZOD UPDATE: UnNews Australian correspondent dead?
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, August 27, 2016, 20:52:UTC)(
28 March 2009
SYNDEY, Australia -- The Time Zone of Death has progressed slowly but surely into Sydney where our UnNews Australian correspondent, The Dit, was last heard from. After not only surviving, but reporting the devastation live on satallite phone for the first twenty minutes, the line was cut and nothing more was heard.
Here is the transcription for our bereaved readers of what our late UnNews team member had last reported:
|“|| Jimmy?! Jimmy you bloody wanker! Are you recording this or what?! You are?! Right then, listen up!
Smoke rises from the east... what?! Strewth, you mean it's already taken? Fark that, it's farkin' true but! The world turns eastward so of course it's gonna come from the east! Yeah, yeah, now let me talk alright?
Smoke rises from the east... BLIMEY! YES I'M USING IT!
Smoke rises from the east. 'Zealand's just had her a well-deserved arse-booting and now we can't see shit. Screams can be heard from the Opera House for the first time since Luke lost Australian Idol, and- FARK!!! WHERE'D MY WALLET GO?!
Oi! Crickey! My wallet's just got stolen, Jimmy! Fark! I'm goin' after 'im! You keep recording! I'm goin' to get to the bottom of this and find out once and for all who or what is behind this Earth Hour thing (a.k.a. The Time Zone of Death)! 'Ey you! You hear me you little sissie cunt armgonnafarkinwringyorbloodylilneckwhenigetmyhandsonyoufark!! Crickey, flat out like a lizard drinking!
Jimmy. I'm hiding behind a door that's just ajar where the culprit was last seen entering. It looks like, uh... Damn, where am I...? There's the Pyrmont Bridge; he's in the blood Aquarium! Okay, I'm gonna go in, now. Quiet as a mouse, stealthy as a... kangaroo. Okay, you erase that part, Jim...
I hear voices! There's uh... two... three blokes talking in the next room. Not supposed to be here, but we at UnNews will do what none dare do before...! Crap, did they hear me? They stopped talking...
There's no sound... Alright, Jimmy, I'm going in. Here we go... Fark, it's pitch black, mate... There's something... In the water? Could they have gotten away that way? Crickey, no way. Let's keep moving. We gotta find them again...
Another sound! This time, it's got to be them! Here I go... it's... it's...
FARK IS THAT A FARKIN' STINGRA-
What has aquariums got to do with The Time Zone of Death? Is our correspondent really dead? UnNews will continue to give you the latest on this bizare disaster of global proportions as it happens, even at the risk of our own lives.
On behalf of our lost friend, this is Jimmy at the UnNews headquarters, signing out.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|