UnNews:TZOD UPDATE: Showdown at Las Vegas
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TZOD UPDATE: Showdown at Las Vegas
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, August 25, 2016, 20:27:UTC)(
28 March 2009
THE STRIP, Las Vegas -- Light explodes from this city like Gandalf leading the charge of the Rohirrim at sunrise to Helm's Deep. But not quite.
While the devastating catastrophe called Earth Hour - 8:30 P.M. local time wherever you are, but it's too late telling you that now - had smashed every city it passed over, unchallenged, the Americans have combined their total strength in a might that might just be mightier than the former might. And UnNews just so happens to be part of it.
"I would also like to give my gratitude," President Barack Obama said at a waste-of-time presidential address, "to two courageous, gallant, amazingly cool reporters that have aided our US intelligences with exclusive, up-to-the-microsecond information that will help bring down this Time Zone of Death before it finishes its job: UnNews reporters The Dit and David Nickelfield."
Australian correspondent, The Dit, was not killed by a stingray afterall, but merely tripped on a garden hose and passed out of shock. Little did he know that the three Earth Hour bandits that were hiding all this time took this oppurtunity to kidnap him, and take him to their lord and master, the one mastermind behind this TZOD attack on the world! But The Dit was out cold, so he didn't get a good look at him, but when he came to, he found himself in a cell with hundreds of other prisoners: the rich people from Russia and the poor people from the random French structures. This was rather uncomfortable because the cell was only 7 feet by 8; but here, whispers were whispered and the big picture slowly expanded in the reporter's head. He suddenly got it! Why this entire epic global cataclysm occured; and he knew he had to escape to tell somebody. Anybody. As long as he'd get a bloody good paycheck out of it, and maybe a Fosters. Working his way to the cell door, he managed to pick the lock from inside out and escape into a long corridor. It wasn't any long corridor. It was a long corridor within a giant JSDF mecha! Stealthily, he ran past guards undetected; then had pretty close calls with sniffer Arcanines; then found himself dashing through a shower of bullets and laser beams before finally jumping out through an emergency hatch and falling 300 feet to certain death. But he didn't die. He fell on top of a grue. With the grue dead, he was awarded with the highest award any grue hunter could receive: the Steve Irwin Crickey Medal! But he was running out of time - The Time Zone of Death waited for no one - and so, he refused the prize and ran out from the ceremony, trekking his way from Mississippi to Washington D.C., and that is how he exposed the true secret behind Earth Hour.
David Nickelfield had a less interesting story.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|